The Rise of Shiroi Nami – Chapter 4

Rin returns to our room after his meetings and finds me shaky and tired with Ninjin wrapped around my hip. We drop off Ninjin to eat with the other animals and decide on a late dinner together. Good idea because I’m starving. Snagging one of the private tables in the cafeteria, I’m grateful that most people have moved on to drinking, cards, and movies in the common rooms. I need the peace.

“You’re awfully quiet tonight.”

Rin pushes a bowl of curry and rice across the table to me, and I snap out of my head. I keep imagining my body growing in a tube on some far-off moon. Is it me? Or is it someone else? How do they protect it from forming its own consciousness? How does the growing even work? Do they have some sort of hibernation containers or something?

Or something. I both do and don’t want to know.

“I’ve got a lot banging around in my brain.” I lean over the bowl and inhale. “Ah, curry. This smells amazing. Thanks.”

Rin freezes for a moment.

“What?” I ask, raising my spoon.

“You said the exact same thing three nights ago when we last had curry.”

My chest grows cold. “We had curry three nights ago?” I don’t voice, ‘I don’t remember that,’ because this will only cause Rin despair. Instead, I try to deflect. “Well, if this is just as good, I’m sure I’ll be full in no time.”

“Anything in particular you want to talk about?” If I’m good at deflecting, then Rin is a master. He moves his food around in his bowl, trying to find the right ratio of curry to rice.

“Is there booze? I think this might be a night for a beer.”

He smiles as he chews, and his cheek pulls the scar on his head around. “There’s always beer.”

I swing my feet to get up from the table and raid the fridge in the quiet kitchen. But before I can stand, someone approaches holding two tall glasses of beer with delicate foam tops on each. Bless you, kind woman.

“I thought you’d ask for them. She had to bring them up from the cellar,” Rin says as the woman deposits them on the table.

“Oh, I hope you didn’t go through too much trouble,” I say, bringing my hand to my heart.

“No trouble at all.” She smiles and shakes her head before wiping her hands on her apron. “We ran out during dinner, and I was restocking the fridge, anyway. Enjoy! And let me know if you want dessert.”

Once she’s back on her way to the kitchen, Rin picks up his glass to toast. “To your good health.”

I clink my glass on his and sip. Ahhh. It’s been a week, maybe more, since I last drank alcohol. I had wondered if alcohol was a migraine trigger for me, and I wanted to eliminate it from my diet to test the theory. We shall see.

“Good health is always worth wishing for.” I set the glass down and eat. Delicious. I place my fingers on my lips as I sink into the flavor. “One thing’s for sure. Shiroi Nami has the best cooks.”

“Better than the monks at Ryuanji Temple?” Rin’s lips twist in a sardonic smile.

He’s joking, of course. Those monks made the blandest of stews. “Absolutely. I’ll miss this food someday, I’m sure of it.”

We’re quiet for a moment, just enjoying the food, when Rin clears his throat and sips his beer.

“You’ve changed the last few weeks,” he says and tingles flow down my back.

I sit up straight. “Really? How so?” I try to keep the worry out of my voice. Changed? For the worse? It can’t be for the better. I know I’m not a kind and empathetic person at heart, so it must be for the worse. He has to be questioning my sanity right about now.

“It’s in the little things.” Rin chews and gazes across the table at me until he’s swallowed his mouthful. “You seem more… adaptable, willing to compromise. You’re smiling more. You’re… comfortable.”

I smile as I prop my chin on my hands. “Go on.” He’s grasping for words because, in his head, the observations are negative. I’m not more adaptable; I’m less hostile.

He chuckles. “Yumi, you’re different. Do you see it for yourself?”

I return to eating my meal. “I think it’s part of the natural progression of life that when a man with wings swoops down and saves you from dying, you’ll reconsider your outlook on your future.”

“Is that it?” He raises his eyebrows.

And yes, despite the negative view I have of myself, he’s right. I have changed somewhat.

“Mmhmm. Look, I don’t want to say I’ve turned over a new leaf or anything. I’m not fundamentally different. I just… I considered we might be here for a long time — longer than you or I want to be. I can’t just be an observer like I want. I have to be an active participant in this world. Learning to listen and compromise was something the empress tried to teach me growing up. She’s finally gotten her way.” I laugh as I look down at my meal. Empress Itami would laugh too if she were here.

“You’re a formidable woman, Yumi. Strong enough to handle anything this world throws at you.”

“Well, I don’t know about that. I don’t think I could take any more injuries.”

Rin sets down his spoon and drinks his beer. “I want you to consider not transferring yourself over to a… a new body.”

It’s clear from how he’s ended the sentence that a new body is distasteful and wrong. Despite all the time he’s spent here and the relationships he’s fostered with Shiroi Nami, Rin is a purist. He’s never undergone plastic surgery to correct his scars, never cared one bit about how he looks or how his body works. He never even wanted a pet because that was too far out of his normal. I’m glad he and Ninjin have gotten along, but I know that having a dog was not something Rin ever wished for.

I decide to approach this from a different angle. It’s not a ‘warping of our beliefs’; it’s a way for me to heal.

“Really? I would have thought you’d be all for it, what with all the pain and suffering I go through. My memory is becoming worse every day. I can’t even remember what I had for lunch yesterday or, apparently, dinner three nights ago.” I pat the notebook in my bra and consider bringing it out to see what I did have for lunch. “You and Isao seem to get along fine.”

“Isao is a good man, for sure. But…”

I scrape the sides of my bowl and finish dinner. “I sensed a ‘but’ coming.”

“I think there are some unknowns here we need to understand before they go any further with you.” He raises a finger. “I have a lot of questions.”

“You sound like me.”

He smiles and continues. “How many times have they done this? How successful has it been? What if there’s something different about you, because you didn’t grow up here, that would cause the system to fail? What kind of modifications will they do? Will you still be able to have kids?”

Kids? Kids are the furthest thing from my mind right now, but I’m glad Rin is thinking of it for me.

“Oh. Hmmm. I hadn’t thought about that.”

Rin nods. “That’s why I’m here.” He reaches his hand across the table to me. “I love you, Yumi. You’re my light, my reason for getting up every day. I want to have a family with you if we can.”

Tears fill my eyes as I slip my fingers into his. His hands are warm and strong; something I love about him, his strength.

“Me too.” My throat hurts from forcing the words past the lump that’s formed there. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Ah, no. I think we both deserve each other.” He lifts my hand up and kisses my knuckles. “So, please, let’s table this idea of a new body and work on healing you until we’re needed again. Okay?”

I nod. In my heart, I know it’s the right thing to say ‘no’ to this path, but it’s an option I feel I must examine. I should say ‘no’ for a thousand different reasons and say ‘yes’ for even more. Still, if Rin would like me to consider it for longer, I can do that. He says I’m more willing to compromise. I can compromise here.

“Come.” I tug on his hand and jerk my head towards the exit. “Grab your beer.”

I keep his hand with mine as we sip our beers and head down the hallway back to our room.

His smile is soft as I bring him into our suite and close the door behind us. The door locks with a quick flick of my fingers. I hand him my beer, and he sets both glasses on the low table in our sitting area.

“Rin.” I stop and take a deep breath. Reaching out for him, I find his waist and pull him within a few breaths of me. “I want to, um, clear the air between us.”

“Yumi —”

“No. Just hear me out.” I clear my throat and work hard to keep the tears at bay. “It’s been a rough few weeks, right? And I’m sure during this time when I’ve been…” I gesture at my eye and head. “When I’ve been incapacitated, you’ve had the pleasure of dealing with my unpleasant side.” He opens his mouth to talk, but I place my fingers on his lips. “I know I’m a selfish, irresponsible, and petulant little girl. Some have even called me spoiled. And I am.” I hang my head. “Back home, I got what I wanted, even when other people stood in my way.”

He pulls my fingers from his lips. “Wait, wait.” His gaze is intense. “I don’t know why you’ve constructed this new narrative for yourself the past few weeks, but everything you’ve just said is a total and complete lie.”

I pull back. “What?” I scoff. “It’s the truth. One hundred percent.”

“A selfish person doesn’t put their life on the line for others. A petulant person doesn’t sit quietly in meetings, listening to what other people have to say. You’re not irresponsible. You do the research, and you make decisions based on what you’ve learned. Remember what Okamoto said to you at that last meeting in Susami?”

“No.” I shake my head and squeeze my eyes shut as I try to recall the meeting. I remember speaking to a few people, including Haku’s yakuza brother who wanted to kill me. Did we speak to Okamoto, the CEO of Kiiroi Yama, that day?

“He said he heard wisdom in your voice every time you spoke.”

I try to access the data in my head. A shade of Yori Okamoto is in my memories, along with Rin’s ex, Atsumi, behind him on her knees. She had tried to kill me against Okamoto’s wishes, and then he demoted her. If Narumi Ogawa doesn’t kill me, Atsumi will.

“What’s going on with you?” Rin takes my hands in his and draws them close to his chest. He radiates warmth, and I want to sink into it. “Tell me why you’re trying to change.”

I lift my chin. “I’m making more enemies than friends. And I need friends, Rin. Need. I need people by my side who care for me enough to want to fight. I already lost Ayamé… and Saki… and Mara, and I don’t want to lose you too.”

“You will not lose me.” He squeezes my hands tighter to his chest. “You don’t have to change for me, understand? I have seen you at your most vulnerable, and I still want to be with you. Just like you have with me. I am full of faults, yet you still seem to be interested in me. So, no more clearing of the air is needed.”

He lets go of my hands, slides his hands down my sides, and reaches around to grab my ass. Hello.

“Now, I saw that look in your eye at dinner.” He leans in to lay his lips gently on my jaw, kissing once, twice, three times up to my ear. I thread my arms around his waist and pull him closer. My body warms up at a blinding speed, the need to be close surging in my belly. I pull at his tucked shirt, desperate to touch my hands to his warm skin. When my fingers brush against him, relief pours over me like the rush of a waterfall. My eyes fill with tears.

“You’ve been… neglected,” Rin purrs in my ear, and I nearly lose it with laughter. The emotional whiplash from devastation to happiness is enough to knock me over.

“Neglected?” I thread my arms up the back of his shirt and pull him closer. He hums as he follows the line of my neck down to my collar. Hmmm, I can play this game. “Yes, I’ve been very neglected.”

“Not for much longer.”

Rin is suddenly possessed. He’s a man who’s been starving for weeks and now sits at the buffet ready to fill himself to bursting. His hands are swift, pulling for my shirt, loosening it, and dragging it up over my head in one fluid motion. He doesn’t hesitate and goes straight for my bra. We both sigh, long and low, as his hand cups my breast and his fingers glide over the nipple.

It has been weeks since we last had sex. Wait, it’s closer to months, multiple months. We haven’t had the chance to press our bodies together since the night in his apartment in Susami. So long ago. And I was broken and upset then. Now, I’m healed. The bandages are off, and my body feels like my own again. My brain may not be in good shape, but my heart is ready for this.

Rin grabs my ass again and lifts me up. I wrap my legs around him and cradle his head in my hands as he turns to exit our common room and head to the bedroom.

Knock knock knock.

Rin freezes.

“I didn’t hear anything,” I say, squeezing him with my thighs. “Keep going.”

Knock-knock-knock-knock. “Yumi! I know you’re in there.” Shintaro’s voice roars through the door. “Open up! It’s urgent!”

“Fuck off!” I yell back.

I turn my face back down to Rin, and his expression is concerned.

“Don’t,” I plead. “We need this.” I lean in and brush my nose up the side of his cheek. Mmm, I love the way he smells, herbal, clean.

He growls as he sets me down. “Stay right here.”

I fold my arms over my chest to keep myself warm as he strides to the door. With a flick of the lock, he opens the door a crack.

“You will leave us alone if you want to live.”

“Whoa, okay, Rin.” Shintaro’s voice cracks and wobbles, and I smile. “Just… I guess it can wait until tomorrow?”

“Can it?” Rin’s voice is like ice.

“Absolutely.”

Rin shuts the door in Shintaro’s face and locks it.

“We’re good.” He crosses the room in three great strides. I throw my arms around his neck as he lifts me up and carries me into the bedroom.

We meet the bed with a thump. For a moment, I’m reminded of the first time we had sex, tangled up in each other as we navigated his apartment in Shin-Osaka, drunk and desperate for each other.

I hook my thumbs into my waistband, but Rin is faster than me. Within a heartbeat, I’m naked.

“That was quick,” I say, yanking at the covers. Rin always makes the bed.

“I aim to please.”

The words send a cascade of shivers down my arms and back. I place my hand on his chest. “Then, you’ll let me be on top.”

One thing I’ve enjoyed about Rin is the way he takes control in bed, just like he does pretty much everywhere. He knows what he wants, and he keeps going on until he has it.

My turn.

Don’t leave me, Rin. Don’t go.

I know he has to go, and I don’t want him to.

More more more. It’s too much. I hold it back.

“Yumi, let go.”

“No.”

He doesn’t take no for an answer. The spark lights and everything comes tumbling down. I fall onto his chest, spent, my arms and legs trembling.

He flips me over and pulls the covers up, surrounding us both in the warmth of the bed.

“Mmm, better? See? You just needed to let go.”

“I think I need that more often.”

“Nothing would make me happier.” He sighs as he snuggles in closer. “Listen to me, okay? Things have gotten so complicated these last few days.”

I keep my eyes closed and nod against his skin. “So complicated.”

“I think, even if your people arrive tomorrow, we should stay here…” He pauses when he feels me tense. “Just long enough to make a difference. To see the androids reprogrammed or disabled, to see Aoi Uma out of business for good.”

There’s the ring of truth to this. I don’t want to deliver a broken and war-ridden planet to my people. They deserve better.

“Okay. I think that’s probably our best course of action, right?”

He’s quiet for a moment. “I thought you’d be angry with me. I know how badly you want to be away from here.”

I sigh as I sink into the bed. “Like you said, it’s complicated.”

“I’m going to keep my promise to you. I won’t leave you to figure this world out without me. We may occasionally split up to handle things, but I will never be far. You won’t have to do this alone.”

It feels like a hard promise to keep, but I’m too tired to talk anymore.

I wrap us in the covers even tighter and lift my face to his.

Time for positivity.

“Sounds like a plan.”