Summer Haikus – Chapter 4

I walk out onto the front lawn and take another deep breath. It’s a beautiful night in East Lansing. The sky is clear, stars twinkling, and an almost full moon hangs not far above the tree line. I took an Astronomy 101 class last fall, and I’ve been in love with the stars ever since. When I was still trying to decide on my major, I considered astronomy. I thought maybe I was destined to study the stars, what with Halley being named after a famous astronomer and my love of nighttime, but I don’t want to do that for a living, just like I don’t want to be an engineer either. I breathe deep one more time, and the fresh air sobers me a little, so I reach into my pocket for my phone and text Halley.

“Masa showed up and I had to run. Can’t do that. Heading home. Check on me in 30,” I type and wait for her reply while watching the masses of people walking the streets. This is the last chance to party before summer tears groups apart. I wonder if I can walk back to my dorm with someone else.

My phone buzzes in my hand. “Ok. Promise. Sorry about Masa.”

“Whatever,” I say at my phone.

“Isa! Wait up!” I freeze before slowly turning back to the house. Masa comes bounding out the front door, running up to me. “Let me walk you home. You’ve had too much to drink.”

“It’s okay.” I wave at him and turn to go. “I’m sure I can find someone to walk me who’s already going that way.”

“No, please,” he says, lunging forward and grabbing for me. “I want to make sure you make it home all right.” The heat of his hand on my arm stops my breathing. I would give anything to slip my hand into his and walk home with him by my side. I catch my breath in a gasp, and he lets go, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Fine. Let’s go.” I walk in front of him for a bit, texting Halley again. “Couldn’t ditch Masa. He’s walking me home,” I type to her.

“Good,” she replies and adds in a kissing smiley face. There are days when I want to strangle her.

Masa eventually walks beside me and holds my waist when I trip over cracks in the pavement. I twist away from him and put a few inches between us to steady my beating heart.

He clears his throat. “So, have you heard any more about the apartment you’re staying in in Tokyo?”

“Yeah, it’s in Akasaka. Your dad’s apartment is there, right?”

“Yep. Akasaka is a business district and close to Tokyo Station, Shinjuku, and the Imperial Palace. You’ll love it.”

A warm breeze blows my hair into my face, so I tuck it behind my ears. I went easy on my hair today, letting it be wavy instead of straightening it, but I took the time to put on makeup and even eyeliner. I’m getting better at the cat eye, thanks to the beauty vlogs I follow.

“I’ve mapped out ten running routes for when we get there. I want to make sure she’s acclimatized before the Games start. I have three routes with hills, three flat ones, and four combinations. I think it’s enough. I hope it’s enough. Maybe I should make more.”

“I’m sure it’s fine, Isa. It’s probably overkill already.”

“You’re right, of course. You’re always right.”

“I can’t believe you’re still watching Lost,” Masa says, laughing, as I weave around a group of people walking against us on the sidewalk.

“I never watched it the first time around, and we already watched Battlestar Galactica and Breaking Bad together this year.”

Masa tips his head and stares at the ground. “I miss those Friday nights already.”

These statements are the confusing part of my relationship with Masa. He seems to enjoy spending time with me, and we’ve even slept in the same bed with each other before, but he’s never once shown any romantic interest in me.

What if I told him how I feel? The timing is perfect, right before the summer. If he feels the same way, I can convince him to come to Tokyo with me. We’d figure things out together while exploring the city and attending the Olympics. I smile, imagining the two of us doing all the things I planned together instead of me doing them alone.

“What are you smiling about?” Masa asks, as we cross over Harrison and Michigan Ave. Only a few more minutes till home.

I wipe the stupid smile off my face and frown. “Nothing.” I lengthen my stride until I’m right outside my dorm. The parking lot is quiet, and it’s still early enough for me to use my swipe card at the far end door instead of entering through the lobby.

“Are you mad at me, Isa? Should I not have shown up at that party? You could have just told me to go away if you were there with another guy.” He jams his hands in his pockets, his shoulders up around his ears, and rocks back on the heels of his Chuck Taylor’s.

I burst out laughing. “Another guy? What gave you that impression?”

“I don’t know,” he says, running his hand through his hair again and rubbing the back of his head. “You looked like you were waiting for someone.”

“Please, Masa. Me? Dating someone? Guys don’t date me. Guys friend me.” I clamp my mouth shut and slip my swipe card from my back pocket. No need to get rude with him. It’s not his fault I’m a loser who falls for all the wrong guys.

“Come on,” he drawls, stepping closer to me. “You dated… Alex last year.” Masa’s voice changed when he said Alex’s name, or did I imagine it? He sounded annoyed? I narrow my eyes at him and the way his jaw is set and rigid I believe he’s angry. But maybe it’s the beer in my system because he’s never cared about my fling with Alex before now.

“I don’t want to talk about this.” My plans to confess to him are ruined now, our good mood washed away by own bitterness.

“Tell me what’s wrong. Are you mad at me?”

“I’m not mad at you. I’m angry with myself for being so fucking stupid this year. Fucking stupid.” My throat tightens and my voice squeaks. I clamp my mouth shut so I won’t go on and embarrass myself.

“Isa…” Masa’s shoulders fall and his eyes widen. “You’re not stupid.” He clutches both my shoulders in his warm hands and looks me right in the eyes. “You’re a smart and wonderful person. Whatever it is you’re mad about, try to forgive yourself.”

His face is so close to mine, and electricity bounces off of him, charging me, egging me on. “You should have just jumped up and kissed him and been done with it.” Halley’s words zoom back to me, so I close the inches between Masa and me and kiss him on the lips. No plans. No thoughts. No worries about our friendship and what this will do to us. I should have done this ages ago. I had a million opportunities, but I was always waiting for him.

His lips are soft and warm, and he opens his mouth to me and wraps his arms around my shoulders, his hands in my hair. Yes! Oh my god, he’s actually into me. I suck air in through my nose and let my tongue slide down his, feeling how perfect this is, straight down to my bones. I’ve waited for this for so long, my eyes fill with happy tears, and I hum with joy. I’m about to pull his hips close to mine when he disengages, pushing me away from him. The ache between my legs is so strong, though, I stumble.

But gauging the shock on Masa’s face, my brain numbs. The effect is ten times stronger than alcohol, because panic has sauntered in and claimed all rational thought. Run, it whispers in my ears.

Masa wipes at his mouth, and my heart seizes. He doesn’t even hide how revolted he is. “You didn’t mean that.” He doesn’t even question me. It’s a statement. “I didn’t mean that.” He backs away from me two steps, my heart races, and the beer I drank climbs back up from my stomach.

“I… I…” Stammering, I want to say, I did mean it! I’ve meant to do that for two years, since the first week we ever met. But his face is panicked, white, and unbelieving. Anything I say now will be suspect. “I didn’t mean it,” I echo back, horrified by the lie that slips so easily from my lips, but I will do anything to salvage the relationship now. “I’m sorry. So sorry.”

“Why would you do that if you didn’t mean it?” he asks. “Because you’re drunk?”

I groan and crouch down into a ball on the grass, replaying those few moments of the kiss in my head. He embraced me. He took the kiss deeper. What did I do wrong?

I can’t catch my breath. No matter how deep I breathe, my lungs won’t fill with enough air.

“I’m sorry,” I shout at the grass. I can’t look up at him. I have just completely damaged our relationship, and he is either disgusted by me or mad at me, I can’t tell which.

“Go inside, Isa, and go to bed.”

Tears erupt in my eyes, but I keep them silent as I sit hunched on the grass. I can’t let him see me cry. Slowly, footfalls echo away from me, and once they’re far enough, I stand up, my knees trembling. He turns around once, so I swipe my card at the door and let myself in under his watchful eye.

My legs shake, and my vision is spotted and blurred, the world darkening around me. I run up the stairs, taking them two at a time until I reach my floor, but I bypass my door and head straight for the bathroom. I claw past a few open stalls, launch myself into my favorite toilet and lose everything I had in my stomach. Bile rises up again and brings on a wave of tears.

I can’t believe I did that. How could I kiss Masa? He was my friend, my best friend, next to Halley.

Was my friend. Now I’m sure I’ve lost him.