Summer Haikus – Chapter 30

Breakfast from the bakery, a shower, and short nap later, I head over to the hospital to visit my mom. I thought the day after I had sex with Masa for the first time would be one of those floating-in-the-clouds, oh-my-god-I’m-glowing kind of days. It’s more like an I’m-such-a-loser day. I’m finally dating the guy I’ve been interested in for two years, and immediately after I bedded him, I fought with him and almost made him cry. What the fuck is wrong with me?

When I enter Mom’s room at the hospital, her situation is drastically different than it was last week. The wheelchair is nowhere in sight, and she’s wearing real clothing, sitting in bed with her laptop.

“Isano,” she calls to me, but I halt just inside the entrance. Mom’s boyfriend, Kosho, is at the table with my grandparents. “It’s so good to see you. How’s your week been?”

“Fine.” I glance at everyone and force a smile at them. I have a bad feeling this is an ambush. Are they upset about me dating Masa? I can’t see why. Everyone loves him. Maybe I screwed up at the ryokan? Was there something I was supposed to do and forgot about? What else could it be? My thoughts swirl through every possibility I can think of.

I come around to the opposite side of Mom’s bed and kiss her on the cheek. “You’re looking better, and you’re using your left hand. That’s a great sign.” I set my bag on the bed and pull out a bottle of water. I need to rehydrate. Between the sex and the hot weather, I’m parched.

“We’re so glad you’re here today, Isa. Perfect timing.” Mom closes her laptop and stretches out her left hand to Kosho, and I’m knocked dead by the glare of the new ring on her finger.

“Mom?” I choke on my water and sputter all over myself. “Mom!” I point to her ring as Kosho comes to her side.

“Kosho has asked me to marry him, and I said yes.” She beams, her smile as bright as the new ring.

“Wow. That’s great! Congratulations!” I say it in both English and Japanese and bow because it seems appropriate, and I’m happy for my mom. She deserves happiness again. Third time’s the charm, right?

“We’ll have the wedding in the fall when the leaves change colors. It’ll be beautiful.”

“In the fall? After I leave? I’ll have to fly back, and that’ll be expensive.” I frown, imagining the hard-earned money I gained this summer wasted on leaving and coming back.

“We want you to be there, Isa-chan. I’m not getting married without you. And actually, we have a proposal for you, too.”

I sip cautiously, the reality of an ambush concrete as all the hair on my head stands up. My grandparents are serious, both of them watching me intently.

“I love the ryokan, you know that,” Mom begins, and I start to sweat. “It’s been a part of my life forever. I’ve looked forward to running it and then handing it down to you… If you wanted it.”

All the blood starts to leave my head. “Um, yeah? I mean, I like working there, especially now that I’m being paid, and I thought maybe someday I would work there again. I’ve had some ideas on things we could do differently and —”

Mom bites on her lower lip. Shit. It’s the same thing I do when I’m unsure. She glances at Kosho and he nods at her.

“What if I asked you to stay in Japan and work towards taking over the ryokan in three years?”

“Three years?” I squeak, my voice more mouse-like than anything. I reach to my left to set the water bottle down, miss the bedside table completely, and it hits the floor, spilling everywhere. “Shit.”

Grandpa gets up, grabs a towel from the bathroom, and comes to clean up the water, but I’m leaning forward and grasping onto the bed with both hands.

“You mean, not go back to Michigan State? What about finishing my degree?”

“We’ll pay for you to finish your degree here in Tokyo. I’m sure you can get into a good local school,” Kosho says, twisting his hands, his eyebrows drawn together. “I’ve asked your mom to come out to Kofu and live with me and my parents.”

“Kofu? Where the hell is Kofu?” I ask, my eyes darting between Mom and my grandparents.

“It’s east of here. Not far,” Grandma says. “What we’d like to do is train you to replace your mom full-time while you finish your degree, and when you take over, we’ll retire.”

My grandparents have often talked about retiring, selling their lovely house and moving out into the countryside. I always wanted it for them, too, because they work so hard. They deserve retirement more than anyone I know.

“What if I say no? What will happen then?” My vision darkens, but I blink and try to keep my brain alive and awake. Panic is pumping through every atom of my body.

Grandpa sighs, his whole body falling into a lump. “We’ll sell the ryokan, I suppose. We can’t run it indefinitely. We had hoped to keep it in the family a few more generations, but if we have to sell it, we will. I know people who are interested. Your inheritance would be gone, though, except for some money.”

Grandma and Grandpa clasp hands, smiling sadly at each other, and guilt crowds out any rational thought. That ryokan belongs to me, doesn’t it? And it would eventually become mine. I didn’t expect it to happen so soon, though.

What about the degree I’ve worked so hard for at MSU? What about Halley? What about Masa? Oh god, I finally have Masa after being in love with him for so long and I’m going to lose him. I’ll either lose him or lose my inheritance and my family’s good wishes, because god knows my mom and grandparents would be disappointed for life if I let this opportunity go.

In all my plans, in even my emergency plans, I never expected this. I always planned to go back to MSU and continue on, get my degree, graduate, and find a job either here in Japan or in the States for a Japanese company. The ryokan never entered into my equations. That place belonged to my mom. Never to me.

My head spins, and I try to suck air into my lungs but it doesn’t make it far enough. I breathe faster, but the lack of oxygen only makes my legs and arms shake.

“Isano? Isa? Are you okay?” Mom’s voice is tinny, echoing through my empty, blank thoughts. I twirl my head around, searching for the light from the window, but the whole room darkens to a pinpoint.

Roaring dizziness knocks me to my knees, a rush of water crashes over me and sweeps me way out to sea.

—-

I’m jolted back to consciousness again with the sharp scent of ammonia. I inhale, my eyes flying open, and a bright light blinds me.

“Hold still, Brown-san, and keep your eyes open so I can check your pupils.”

I recognize that voice, but it’s strange, like listening to a translation of a translation. The light flashes in my eyes a few times, and when it pulls away, Tomohiro’s face swims above mine.

His fingers probe the back and top of my head, and he nods once before taking my pulse.

“Seems you passed out next to your mom’s bed. Do you do that often?”

He’s speaking English. That’s what’s so strange about this situation. I forgot he spoke English to Halley the night at the izakaya.

“Sometimes? Not in at least a year.” A blatant lie, but I don’t feel like getting into it with him. I focus on the room around me, and I’m someplace different from my mom’s room, in my own hospital bed, and my mom is next to me in a chair, holding my hand.

“A year?” she asks, her eyes wide. “Did it happen more often than that before?”

“Mom, please,” I plead, not making eye contact with her.

Tomohiro places the cuff of a blood pressure monitor on my arm. “Did something bring on this fainting spell? Are you hungry? Or ill?”

“No,” I say, clipped short. Just ill in the head.

He examines the blood pressure read out. “Well, everything else seems fine with you. I’d like for you to sit and rest for a little bit, though. I’ll bring you juice and something to eat, okay?”

He gathers his phone from the bed and leaves, closing the door behind him.

“Isa, what is going on with you? I’m so worried. Are you sick?”

“No, Mom.” I keep my eyes trained on my hands clasped together in my lap. “It was a panic attack. I get them… occasionally.”

“Occasionally?” She caught my hesitation.

I rub my face with my hands. “Okay, I get them quite frequently. I almost had one last week, and I had one after I got the call about you from Grandma. Then I had like a half of one a few weeks before that…” I close my eyes and count them up in my head. “Maybe a dozen this year? I don’t know. I don’t remember them all.”

Mom’s eyes are the widest I’ve ever seen them, tiny crinkles in the corners flattening with her shock.

“Isa! Have you spoken to a doctor about it?”

“Mom…” I sigh and pluck at the covers. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

She pokes the bed with her index finger. “You had better start talking right now.”

“Fine. I’ve been having panic attacks since you left for Japan, okay? Is that what you want to hear? That it’s all your fault? It isn’t. I can’t handle my own fucking brain.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” she says, flailing her hands in front of your face. “How come Dad never said anything to me?”

“Because I told him not to! I saw a therapist and a psychiatrist, and I went on meds and they were awful. So I gave it up and just focused on planning every little detail of my life.” I gesture at my bag at the foot of the bed, and she reaches in to my planner inside. “But when nothing goes according to plan, my brain gives up and shuts down. I wish I could stop it, but I can’t.”

I burst into tears, annoying tears that flow down my face like a tsunami.

“I’m weak and drowning in my own fears. I could barely handle my first week at the ryokan. I shuffled through each day, numb, until Masa came. He helped me color-code everything and kept me on track.” I rub the salty tears into my face before Mom hands me a tissue.

“That Masa is a good young man. I like him a lot.”

“Mom, I’m so in love with him,” I blurt out, a sob shaking my chest. “And I think he loves me too, and you asking me to stay here will tear us apart.”

A tear rolls out of Mom’s eye and lands on my planner in her lap. She wipes it off the patent leather and opens the button clasp. Inside, she can witness the detailed daily plans, the ones that have gotten insane since I started at the ryokan, and the fact that I leave nothing off my schedules. Each day is cram-packed with events and notes so tiny I sometimes get hand cramps from writing out a whole week. I schedule everything but bathroom breaks in a dozen colors. Masa looked at it two weeks ago and set it aside without a word. He must have known then I was half-crazy, but he still wanted to be with me.

“I just…” I look back at my hands because Mom is clearly horrified. “I just can’t handle such big life-altering news. At least, on my feet. I should have sat down.” I blow out a long breath and suck air in through my nose.

Mom quietly snaps my planner shut.

“Do you like working at the ryokan? Could you handle it? I’m worried that if there were some big emergency, you’d panic and not be able to do anything. This is the land of earthquakes and fires, remember.”

I huff a sarcastic laugh and roll my eyes. “Listen to yourself, Mom. I’m here telling you I have a serious problem, and all you can think about is yourself and the ryokan.”

She stiffens up, her shoulders rising. “That’s not fair.”

“No shit.” We sit in silence while my temper simmers down. “I wanted to spend some of my summer with you.” Tears roll down my cheeks again. “I’ve missed you a lot since you’ve been gone, but every time I come to see you, you’re either calling me a selfish brat or running away from me.”

Mom directs her eyes at the floor and I think, Well, at least she has the decency to be ashamed of the way our relationship has worked out. Turns out I take after my mother. We’re both excellent runners, running from family, from rejection, from responsibility.

“I like working at the ryokan,” I say, changing the subject back, nodding my head, and blowing my nose. “And I’m okay in a real emergency. Like if there was a fire or an earthquake, I’d be fine. Afterward, though, I’d probably need a Xanax or something.” I laugh through my soppy tears. It’s true. I’ve handled a ton of emergencies, only to freak out an hour later once the reality hit me.

“I need to…” A sob creeps back up and tears flow freely again. “I need to talk to Halley.”

She nods, snapping out of a blank look, probably running through all her options for me in her head. I’ve always presented myself to my mom as being a straight A student, active in sports, not boy crazy, and responsible. She couldn’t see what I really was because she was gone. There’s a lot I can filter from her view between FaceTime, emails, and texting. In reality, I’ve been a model but anxious student, completely boy crazy, active in sports to the point of breaking, and irresponsible when it comes to my own mental health.

She pats my hand before hauling herself up on a pair of crutches, leaving and shutting the door behind her. I reach for the box of tissues and mop up my face, grabbing my iPhone when I’m done.

“Can you talk? I need to FT,” I type at Halley and wait.

“Sure. Let me move into a different room.”

My phone rings in my hand with a FaceTime chat, and I take a deep breath before accepting.

Halley smiles into the camera, looking extra gorgeous. Her hair is curled and thrown over one shoulder, and her face is flawless and perfect, rosy cheeks and pink lips.

“Hey, you look stunning,” I say, smiling at her.

“Thanks. I’m in between interviews. It’s an all day press junket thing.” She turns the phone around, and she’s in some dressing room somewhere, lit brightly, makeup overflowing from every mirrored dressing table. “You look like shit. Have you been crying?” Her voice rises an octave. “What happened? You were with Masa last night, right? If he did something to you, I am going to cut his balls off.”

“No, no. Masa is fine, though I got really mad at him this morning when he suggested I prostituted myself to Alex.”

“What? That’s a load of shit.”

“I know.” I sigh and rub my eyes. “He apologized. I’m not mad at him anymore. I came to the hospital to see my mom today…”

Tears leak from my eyes again, and I dab at them with a tissue.

“Uh-oh. Is she okay?”

“She’s fine. She’s getting married to her boyfriend and wants me to take over the ryokan in three years.” I start laughing, my tears flying everywhere. “Can you believe that? It’s so ridiculous, I can’t even.”

Halley tilts her head to the side and frowns. “Why is that ridiculous? You don’t think you can do it?”

“No! I’m such a failure. I suck at running the ryokan. I’m always late for appointments and forgetting things…”

“Give yourself a break. You’ve only been working there a couple of weeks. I’m sure it would take a long time to iron out the kinks. You’ve been really happy there, the happiest I’ve ever seen you, believe it or not. I was really proud of you handling that banquet like a pro.”

“Thanks,” I mumble, as I fidget in the bed. The past few days have been so up and down, I’m having trouble believing her. “I wouldn’t be able to come back to MSU, and I would miss you, and now what about Masa? I finally have him and this happens?”

“It sucks. A lot.” Halley nods her head at me and stares off at something past her phone. “But what were you going to do after graduation anyway?”

This is what I love about Halley. She is someone who can follow any lead to its logical end, hence her current standing as an up-and-coming Olympian.

“I don’t know. I thought maybe I’d get a job teaching English here in Japan.”

“But you don’t like kids!” She laughs, twirling her hair in her fingers.

“I don’t like other people’s kids. Right. I tolerate them at best. Maybe I’d get a job working for a Japanese company instead?”

“Weren’t you just telling me that the job market here sucks?”

“Yeah,” I respond, biting my lip. “I don’t know what to do.”

“So, if you don’t come back to MSU, can you go to school there?”

“My grandparents are offering to pay for my schooling until I graduate if I go someplace local.”

Her eyes widen and she gasps. “Isa! This is a great opportunity! Why would you say no?”

“Because I’ll miss you, and I’ll miss my classes and campus, and Masa too.” I close my eyes and remember the feeling of sleeping next to him, his skin against mine, and all the intimate and wonderful things we said to each other last night. I could have that every night if I returned to Michigan State. I could have my dorm room with Halley, my walks past Sparty, my gym, my running routine, and my TA position with Professor Fukuda. I could have them all.

I could have absolutely no future when those things end at graduation.

“I would miss you too. So, so much. But we have FaceTime and texting, and I would totally fly you out to meet me overseas for races.”

I perk up at this news.

“You’re going to keep racing after the Olympics?”

“Of course,” she says, waving her hand at the camera. “You didn’t think I’d be done after only one little Olympics?”

I laugh. “Little Olympics? Please. Have you seen the streets around here? They’re packed with people constantly.”

“You should stay, Isa. Don’t come back to MSU for the possibility of a future. Stay where you are for the guarantee of one. You’ll do well at the ryokan. I’m sure of it. You’ll meet some new people at a new college, learn new skills, and that awesome ryokan will be yours in a few years.”

I nod, my heart aching at the idea of ending things so soon with Masa. It wants to die in my chest and never beat again.

“And you have your YouTube channel too. People back home will still see you and hear you all the time. Oh! I forgot to tell you that I watched the one of the two of us in the garden. It was fantastic! I learned a ton of new words.”

“I’m glad I’m teaching someone something.” I smile, but it immediately falls into a frown.

“I wish there was something I could do…” She glances around the room she’s in, her eyes darting around before a bright smiles breaks out on her face. “I know what I can do.”

“No, no. It’s fine. I just have to power through and move on. There’s nothing anyone can do for me.”

“Well, I can do something. I’m not completely useless.”

A noise in the background interrupts Halley and she looks over her phone to someone off screen. “Okay. Hai, hai. Chotto matte kudasai.” She returns her eyes to me. “Sorry. I have another interview coming up.” She points her index finger at me through the camera. “Listen here, Isano Brown. You’ve been my comet tail our whole lives together. It’s your turn to shine on your own, okay? You can’t stay at MSU because of me or Masa or because you’ll be lonely or out of your element. You can’t plan your entire life the way you have been. Time to break out and be yourself.”

“Okay,” I say, unconvinced, but I know she has to go.

“Bye! I’ll talk to you later after all this madness is done.”

“Bye.” I stop the FaceTime chat and set my phone next to me on the hospital bed.

Never in my life has there been such a huge divide between what I want to do and what I have to do.