Summer Haikus – Chapter 29

I wake up, naked and sprawled in Masa’s bed, half covered with a sheet. That was absolutely the best night of my life. I’ve never felt so close to someone before, so wanted and so willing to let another human being connect with me. I stretch and yawn, rolling over, and thankfully, Masa is still in bed next to me, awake and reading something on his phone.

“Hey,” I say, my voice croaking and cracking. “What time is it?”

“9:40am.” He rolls over and kisses my neck, lifting the covers to take a good look at me, his eyes sweeping down across everything he touched last night. I laugh and snatch the cover back.

“Didn’t you see enough last night? And this morning at two-thirty and four-thirty…” I wave my hand in the air and hum. Mmmm. It was a fantastic night together, unprecedented in my life. I’ve had dreams sex could be like that but never thought it would happen to me. Those are the kinds of liaisons that happen to other people in movies and books, not in my life.

Masa sets his phone aside and curls up next to me, pulling me to him. He’s warm and the air around us is cooled, the air from the vents wafting over us. He’s put his boxers back on but is naked otherwise, an acceptable compromise. I thread my legs through his and hook my feet behind his calves.

“What was your favorite part of last night?” he whispers in my ear.

I giggle and curl up in a ball as a blush runs up to my cheeks. “When you went down on me.” I clamp my mouth shut, hardly able to believe I said it out loud.

“Mine too.” He rubs his nose along the length of my neck. “Though you looked a little alarmed at first.”

“No one’s ever done that to me before.” I run the tip of my finger along the seam in the white top sheet. “I wasn’t sure what to expect.”

“Really?” He pulls back from me and up on his elbows. “Most guys I know live for that.”

I slowly shake my head and shrug my shoulders. “I’ve only been with Alex before and it was pretty standard sex. Nothing as lovely as what we had.” I smile as I turn towards him and try to pull my body to his, but he stops me.

“Wait, wait, wait.”

I stop and blink, hoisting myself up on my elbows. Masa’s body is rigid and his eyes are narrowed at me. The cold air suddenly feels arctic.

“All the things you’ve said about your relationship with Alex sound so strange to me.” He ticks off points on his fingers. “It was a behind-closed-doors relationship. You never went out on dates. I only met him once and you’ve never referred to him as a boyfriend.”

Oh shit. Here we go. Inquiry time. I sit up and pull the sheet around me, trying to bolster my confidence and promising myself I won’t get mad.

“I’m beginning to think that you and he…” — he pauses, looking me straight in the eyes — “that you didn’t really like him.”

I laugh and shake my head. This I can be honest about. “No, not really.”

“Isa, what the hell? Did he take advantage of you or something?”

“No,” I blurt out, lunging at him and squeezing his arm. “If anything, I took advantage of him.”

“What?” Masa sits up, facing me. “I don’t understand.”

I sigh and steel myself, contracting every muscle in my body. “Masa, I had crushes on at least six guys before I met you. I was head over heels for so many of them, and I was turned down every single time I approached them. Ask Halley. She hugged me and was there for me for years after all the guys who laughed in my face when I asked them out. One guy, the last one I confessed to, harassed me for almost a year, and I had to stop using social media. All he had to do was say no thanks, but instead he branded me for the whole school to see.” I don’t tell him how. I can’t go there again. Just thinking of the whispers, emails, and constant barrage of insults is too much to bear.

“Isa…” His face and shoulders fall.

“Don’t,” I say, warning in my voice. “Don’t feel sorry for me. It was a good lesson to learn. All those rejections taught me a lot — a lot more than relationships ever would have. When I met you, I was determined not to fuck it up by asking you out, but I didn’t want to go through all of college without getting laid. So, when I met Alex at the gym, and he kept making comments about my body being hot, I figured I could get him to sleep with me.”

Masa narrows his eyes at me. “Get him to sleep with you?” His voice rises.

“Calm down.” The commanding tone of my voice gets him to back down some, but he crosses his arms. “I came up with the Get Laid At All Costs plan,” I say, matter-of-factly.

He groans and puts his head in his hands, but I press on. I knew he was going to act this way.

“Alex needed help with algebra, and I needed to get rid of my virginity, so we came to an agreement that I would tutor him until mid-terms and he’d have sex with me a few times, enough for me to feel vaguely satisfied.”

“Isa!” he yells, and I scoot away from him. “You prostituted yourself?”

“Prostituted?” I scoff, annoyed. “What a ridiculous idea. It’s not like he wasn’t interested in getting with me. He just didn’t want a relationship.”

“But… but you paid for sex with tutoring?” He climbs out of bed and looks down at me. “I just… I can’t believe you did that. Not after I saw what really good sex does to you.”

My cheeks heat, remembering all the ways Masa and I had sex last night. “It was good. The best I’ve ever had.” I raise up my shoulders.

He runs his hand through his hair, throwing his arm down by his side. He opens his mouth for a moment and closes it, ready to rebuke me.

“Go ahead and say it,” I tell him, closing my eyes and waiting for the moment he calls me something I won’t be able to forgive.

“I was totally into you when you were with Alex. I wish you had waited.”

“What?” My eyes fly open, and I jump up from the bed to stand up to him. “Are you serious? Because you were with Toni, and I never had any indication from you that you were interested in me other than as a friend.”

He groans, his hands in fists, curled to his chest. “Ugh. I was fucking stupid.”

“How was I supposed to know? You can’t expect me to have waited for you!” My voice rises before I bring it down to a growl, my temper flaring bright, hot, and quick. “Not with the number of times I’ve been turned down. I took my sex life into my own hands.” I poke myself in the chest with my finger. “I don’t regret what I did. It was my decision to make.”

Masa closes his eyes and breathes deep.

I cross my arms, trying to look haughty. “Remember the other day when you said I’m the only person who has accepted you for who you are? I want the same fucking respect in return.”

I push past him and start gathering up my clothes from the floor where we dropped them last night.

“Wait. Wait!” Masa grabs at my arm, but I throw him off and head to my bag by the front door for my emergency clean underwear. “I do respect you. Please don’t be mad.”

“I’m furious!” I yell, raising my hands up. “I expected better from you.”

“But… but…” Masa stammers as I fly past him to the bathroom, close the door, and lock it. Silence. I rip open the plastic bag I keep my underwear in and pull it on while I pee. I get dressed so fast, I accidentally zip my own skin into my skirt zipper.

“Ow! Fuck.” I wince at the pain in my side. God, am I stupid.

“Are you okay?” Masa’s voice, pained and quiet, comes from the other side of the door.

“No!” I scream back, angry at myself for being angry with Masa when we just had this amazing night together. But the anger just begets more anger and I become a raging volcano of injustice. How dare he do this to me. How dare he make me feel bad about myself and suggest I should have waited for him when he was dating someone else at the time! Like I should have just sat around and waited for him to come around to me. Though, when I think about it, that’s what I actually did (minus Alex), but how was I supposed to know this would happen?

I wrench open the door, and Masa stands in the middle of the hallway in his boxer briefs, looking like he’s going to cry. I stalk up to him and poke him in the chest.

“Don’t you ever fucking judge me again.”

I grab my bag and my shoes, and I bolt from the apartment before I can regret what I’ve said or what I’ve done.

—-

Thank goodness it’s Friday, after rush hour and during the day, because I step onto the Japan Rail platform, head straight for the pink sign of the women’s only car, and board the next train that pulls into the station.

I drop my head into my hands and rewind through the past hour. What the fuck was I thinking when I yelled at Masa and stormed out of his apartment? Oh my god, I’m the biggest ass on the planet. Could I have been more of a bitch? I should have stayed and let him apologize. I should have given him an ounce of leeway. I’ve been rejected so many times, my first response is always to rip someone apart.

The train coasts into a station, and I consider getting out and going back to Tokyo. I should go back, but I waver between being too hard and too soft. I just want to be myself. The doors close, and I miss my chance to return. I sigh and fold over my lap again, my head in my hands.

My phone rings, and it’s Masa. I glance around the car, and the seats are mostly empty, the few women riding with me absorbed in their phones or listening to music on their headphones.

I let the call go to voicemail and then swipe over to my messages.

“I can’t talk right now,” I type. “I’m still angry. But I’ll talk to you later. I promise. Let me cool down.”

I blow a slow breath out while I wait to see if he’ll write me back. The righteous anger that fueled my departure is now a lump of burning shame in my gut, slow burning coals of embarrassment. I wish I could take it all back.

“I miss you already. I’m so sorry. I want to apologize in person.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow morning?” My hands shake, the phone wobbling in my grip. I didn’t eat breakfast and had sex all night long. I need food, a shower, a nap, and a lobotomy to forget everything that happened after I woke up.

“Of course.”

“Tomorrow morning

Apologies and coffee — 

Isa’s hand in mine.”

I text him back a heart emoji and stare out into space for the rest of the ride back to Kichijōji.