Summer Haikus – Chapter 25

I am one of those people that’s really good, exceedingly excellent, at denying myself the things I want until I achieve my goals. I wouldn’t call myself weak-willed except for my inability to be unplanned. I need the plans. But if I have a goal and a reward, I do not get the reward until the goal is met. Imagine my surprise when this ability is thrown out the window as soon as Masa is interested in me. I think, I’m going to make it all the way through errands before I kiss him. And then we’re making out in the alley behind the bakery. I tell myself, We’ll sort and stock all the linens in the upstairs closets before we go out for coffee together. But I see him lifting heavy sheets onto the shelves, the muscles in his arms exposed, along with the sliver of skin above the back waist of his pants, and I have to catch my breath to stop the area between my legs from aching. Aching. I had no idea attraction could be so painful, so immediate, so primal.

He shuts the closet door, and I silently close in behind him, coming to his side and wrapping my arm across the back of his waist so I can feel his skin on mine.

“Masa,” I breathe out, blood pumping through me so quickly, everything around us is bright and oversaturated. “I —” I bite on my lip. We’re only a day away from our first date, but after dreaming about him for two years and finally having him in my grasp, I can’t wait a moment more. I want the reward before the goal is met.

He looks down at me, at my flushed cheeks, and the lip between my teeth, before glancing down the hall. “Room ten is empty.”

“Right,” I say, grabbing his arm and pulling him after me. The ryokan is quiet in the early afternoon, and the floor is vacated, no guests and almost all the employees out for cigarettes or coffee. I pull my master keycard from my back pocket and use it to open the door to the room. Masa follows me in and shuts the door behind him. I press myself against the wall, grab ahold of his shirt, and pull him to me, crushing his lips to mine. He opens his mouth, taking my head in his hands and tipping it to the side so he can slide his tongue along mine. Oh wow, I love that so much. Passionate kissing is such a turn-on. I suck in a breath through my nose and moan, letting my hips sink onto his while raising one leg and wrapping it around the back of his legs.

Masa separates his lips from mine. Kissing along the curve of my neck and reaching down, he lifts my paper-thin t-shirt from my shorts to the bottom of my bra.

“Isa, Isa,” he chimes. “You’re a bad influence on me.” He sighs and puts a few inches in between us, still resting his hands on my bare waist.

“I know. I’m sorry. I keep getting distracted.”

“You definitely should not apologize for this.” He presses my hips to his, wrapping his arms around my waist. “Can I ask you a few questions?” He tilts his head and looks into my eyes, searching for any bit of hesitation.

“Are these questions about sex?” I ask, a hopeful ring to my voice. “Because that’s the one thing we have never talked about.”

He laughs, a small blush coloring his jagged cheekbones. “Yeah.”

“Then fine. Ask away.”

He clears his throat. “I’m not going to be your first, am I?”

I shake my head easily. “Nope. Alex was my first.”

“He was, huh?” Masa doesn’t seem upset or disappointed, so we’re off to a good start. “Did you do it… more than once?”

“Yep,” I say, smiling proudly. “Several times.”

“How many?”

“Jesus, Masa. Why all the curiosity?”

“Never mind. It doesn’t matter.” He leans in and kisses my neck again.

“And you and Toni… right?” I ask, hoping the questions go both ways.

“Yeah, we dated for almost a year, so…”

“So you had sex a lot.”

“You could say that.” A smile blooms on his face as he steps away from me but holds my hand, lacing his fingers with mine. “Before Toni, I had a high school girlfriend I slept with too. They’re the only ones.”

I breathe a sigh of relief. I wasn’t sure how to handle more than four or five previous sexual partners.

“Are you relieved?” he asks, jerking on my hand.

“Only if you’ve been tested.”

“I have. Negative on everything. You?”

“Yeah. It kind of happens normally when we women get checkups. At least at the campus clinic, it does. Probably because college kids are horny.”

He laughs and turns, pressing his back to the wall next to me, our shoulders touching. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and I seize the moment to memorize his body when he’s aroused. I’ve seen this before, his cheeks colored, his arm muscles tight, and he’s definitely hard in his pants. I honestly think he stuffs his hands in his pockets all the time to cover up his body’s reactions.

“Is this weird?” he whispers. I jerk my eyes up from his pants.

“What? That I can finally say things aloud I’ve kept to myself for almost two years? It is, a little.”

“We’ve been friends for so long, Isa…”

I dip my head and concentrate on the tatami flooring in the room, the crosshatches of straw in tiny squares. Maybe Masa thinks this is a mistake?

I let go of his hand and walk to the low table in the center of the room. The futons are stored away in their closet and everything has been placed exactly where it should be. Perfect symmetry.

“If this is too weird for you, you need to tell me now before I’m way over my head.” He starts to shake his head, so I raise my hand to stop him from interrupting me. “Because I’ve been… I’ve wanted this since I’ve met you. Probably longer than you’ve wanted it. And…” I throw my arms up and let them land at my sides. “Just tell me now if you’re not interested in dating me for real.”

He stuffs his hands in his pockets, and I laugh inside.

“Isa, calm down. I’m not saying anything except that we’ve been friends a long time. I’ve never had this happen before.”

“Me neither. I’ve been interested in guys in the past, and they’ve always kept me as a friend or ignored me. I thought that’s what I was in for with you.”

Masa pauses with his mouth open. “Are you saying… Have you never dated anyone before? How did I not know this?”

I fold my arms across my chest. “It’s never come up before. What do we talk about? TV, Japanese, friends, poetry, family, food, politics… You have never once asked me if I had previous boyfriends, and it’s not like I’m going to admit that I’m a pathetic loser who can’t snag a guy.”

“Isa,” he says, his nostrils flaring as he crosses the room to me in three long strides, “I don’t want to hear you talk about yourself like that. Ever.”

I cross my arms even tighter and look at our feet instead of at him.

“No girlfriend of mine is pathetic. I only like the hot, sweet, caring, dedicated, and wonderful girls.” He slips his long fingers into the vice I’ve made of my arms. “Please don’t be like this. I’ve never seen you like this.”

I let my arms relax and press my cheek to his chest. “Because I never let you. Just like I never showed you my anxiety. There’s a whole lot you don’t know about me.”

He hugs me around my shoulders. “Let’s go back to work. I’m looking forward to walking you home later and kissing you on the porch like we did last night.”

“That was nice.” I sigh, and once Masa lets me go, I rearrange my hair and shirt.

“And tomorrow we have a real date.”

“I can’t wait.” I smile at him, my heart beating swiftly again at the prospect of a whole evening and night with Masa. I hope it lives up to all my expectations.

—-

Masa walks me home after work, and when we reach the porch to my grandparents’ house, he lets go of my hand and looks me in the eyes, a sweet smile quirking his lips as he lightly touches my hair and my cheeks. Sometime during the day, after our conversation, Masa changed, and his actions became less hurried and frantic, morphing instead into long, loving looks and gestures. I lift my lips to his and our kiss is transformed. I wish I could tell the difference for sure, but my heart is aware of a shift in perspective. Our kiss is slower, deeper, and more intimate than other kisses we’ve shared these past few days. I showed Masa I have vulnerabilities; I’m a whole person with my own issues. And as our lips take in each other, my body melts against his, surrendering to his attention and no longer on guard.

When he pulls away, he kisses my cheek beside my nose. “Thank you,” he says, drawing his thumbs across my heated cheeks. “Thank you for confiding in me. I’ve thought about our conversation all day, how there’s still so much more for me to know about you.”

I open my mouth to tell him about my Get Laid At All Costs Plan because I’m suddenly sure this is going to be an issue. Masa is ruled by passion and feelings. He’s not going to understand what I did and why I did it.

Or maybe I’m underestimating him? I’m sure I am. He’s always been supportive, and we’ve only had a few times over the past two years where our beliefs have driven us away from one another.

“What do you want to say?” he asks, noting my hesitation.

“Nothing.” I shake my head and smile at him. “I’m going to work on my YouTube channel tonight. I have another video to upload.”

“Okay. Well, get inside and get to it.”

We share one more kiss before I let myself inside the house. My mom’s room is cool and dark, and I think about the one visit I made to her this past week on my lunch hour. She was quiet and resigned with barely a smile to spare for me, obviously still angry over everything that happened. I took time off of work to go see her, and she told me not to leave the ryokan during the day again. I left her hospital room sullenly, disappointment heavy on my mind, until I was able to shake off my mood with a coffee from Masa.

I take my phone out of my bag and open to my messages with Mom. “I miss spending time with you! I’ll come on Friday afternoon. My day off. Hope you’re feeling better!” I type to her, hoping my exclamation points convey excitement and happiness instead of dread.

Grandma is up in the kitchen, sitting at the table and eating a late dinner in the cool air conditioning.

“Isa-chan! I haven’t seen you in days,” she says, rising from the table and dabbing at her mouth. She’s eating some sort of Chinese noodles with vegetables in a dark brown sauce. The air is rich with peanuts, and my mouth starts to water.

Grandma kisses me on the cheek and halts. “You… you are in love. I can feel it. Masa?”

I nod, my eyes watering with the memories of the past few days. “We’re going out on a real date tomorrow.”

“That’s fantastic!” She squeezes me in a big hug. “I was praying for you.”

“You were?” I dump my bag on the chair at the breakfast bar. I leave it there every night so I can find it every morning. My ankles ache from standing most of the day, so I slowly rotate each.

“Of course. Masa is a wonderful young man. I love how polite he is when he’s here. And he’s a good eater too.”

A laugh bursts up from my belly. “Yes, a good eater. All men should be praised on such high standards. Can I have some of your leftovers? That smells delicious.”

“Let me make you a plate.” She angles past me into the kitchen and lifts the lid off a pan on the stove before grabbing a plastic container from the fridge. “Would you like to sit with me at the table?”

“Can’t,” I say, through a yawn. “I was going to work online for a bit and then pass out. Do you mind?”

“Of course not.” She makes me a bowl of noodles with cold, crunchy greens, carrots, and spring onions, and I carry it up to my pseudo-bedroom in the loft. I sigh as I place the bowl next to my computer on the floor. I miss my desk and real bed back at Michigan State. I miss the twinkle lights and Halley sleeping in the next bed over. I flip the covers on my unmade futon up, grab my computer and dinner, and sit on the bed with my back against the wall.

I eat as I click through my emails, scrolling through blog posts on makeup I haven’t worn in almost two months because it would melt off my face in this humid Japanese weather. All I can manage is mascara and lip balm. At least I’m in air conditioning most of the day once Masa and I return to the ryokan after running errands. It’s difficult to unstick and cool myself down though. It’s hot in Japan in the summer.

My phone buzzes, so I reach for it and set my dinner aside. Two messages. One from Mom, “It’ll be good to see you! We have lots to talk about.” I don’t like the sound of that. Maybe she’s getting more serious with Kosho? Maybe she wants to shame me even more for being a selfish American? I don’t know. The other message is from Halley. “I miss your stupid face.” I laugh out loud and reply.

“I miss your ugly mug, too. How’s it going?”

“Good. The runs are like swimming in soup, though. How are things with Masa now that you’ve finally kissed for real?”

“You want gossip? I’m totally going to sleep with him tomorrow night, if it’s the last thing I do.”

“Yesssssssssss. That’s my Isa.”

I navigate to YouTube to check my stats. Since I uploaded the bakery video and my trip to the temple with Masa, my views have climbed steadily.

I refresh the screen on the dashboard twice. It must be a mistake.

“Holy shit. I have over a thousand views on my temple video!” I type to Halley.

“Wow! You’ve never gotten that many so fast.”

“I wonder why. Maybe somebody shared it?”

“Is there any way you can find out?”

“I’ll check. Whoa. I have over twenty comments to answer first though.”

I set my phone aside and start scrolling through the comments with my hand mostly over my eyes. I’ve been on YouTube now for almost two years, and I know better than to think these comments will all be glowing and wonderful. There are a lot of mean people on the internet. Brace yourself!

“Love this. Your style is so much fun!” one comment reads.

“I want to know more about the incense and washing station.”

“Can you get to this place easily by train?”

Huh. The comments are fairly polite and nice, a few seeking information, except for the one guy who exclaims (with ten exclamation points) that I have a great ass. He can stay.

I eat and answer each question, while uploading the next video at the same time. This next one is about Japanese gardens and what you can find in them. Halley is in this video for the first time ever as one of my helpers. We spent some time in the garden not far from her apartment in Akasaka and then I filmed more footage in my grandpa’s home garden and the one at the ryokan. It’s one of my best videos yet. I made signs for all the plants and sculptures with both Japanese and English translations and did voiceover instead of just speaking while filming. I like the way the tutorial turned out, and I have my fingers crossed this one will reach a wider audience.

When the video is uploaded and set to go, I close my laptop and head downstairs to shower and take a bath before bed. The aches and pains of the day melt away as I sit in the deep tub and let my mind wander. What will my date with Masa be like? What will sex with him be like? I close my eyes and daydream all types of hot and sexy situations. Will we dirty talk? Will it be sweet or rough or both? God, I have no idea what to expect! The anticipation is going to kill me. With my luck, I will certainly die before we sleep together.

The front door clicks open around 10pm as I’m finishing up in the bath. My grandpa is home after a long day. Thump, thump, his shoes hit the tile in the genkan before the floor creaks and the door opens to my grandparents’ bedroom.

“You’re home late,” my grandma says in the other room. I climb out of the bath and dry off quickly so I can go up to bed before I eavesdrop too much.

“Lots to do before the fall. Did you talk to her?” Grandpa’s voice is hoarse and quiet.

“No. I didn’t want to today. Sorry.”

“We’ll have to soon. There will be government forms to fill out and she’ll need registration and —”

“I know, I know. It wasn’t a good time. This weekend.”

I shrug into my robe and tie it up tight before leaping up the stairs. Whatever it is they have to discuss is none of my business, even if they sound tired. I’ll have to see if I can offer any more help in the coming days. Might as well try to be as useful as possible while I’m here.