Summer Haikus – Chapter 24

Dinner drags on for two whole hours, in which I witness Masa and Kae flirt with each other relentlessly. The izakaya is too loud for me to hear their conversation, but the smiles and laughs and glasses clinking is enough to make me want to cry. My head spins through several different courses of grilled chicken skewers, tempura, rice, and pickles, all of which need a crowbar and a gallon of beer to get down my throat to my tiny stomach, where they churn and threaten to come back up. Halley has a marvelous time talking to everyone at the table as they practice their English on her, but she keeps glancing over at me, her eyes narrowed as I stare into my beer and don’t say a word.

I don’t get it. Masa didn’t seem interested in Kae the other day. He stuck with me. But I said hello to someone I know from the neighborhood, and suddenly, I no longer exist to him? This is bullshit. Sure, I was hoping the good doctor would come over and talk to me, show me some attention, and, in turn, show Masa that I’m worthy of attention, but nothing is going the way that I’d hoped. I glance over at the bar and Tomo is still sitting with his friends. He glances up, though, catches me looking at him, smiles, and brings his beer over to our table.

“Hey, Isa. How was your dinner?”

I force a smile up from my toes. “Great! This place has delicious food.”

“It’s good to see you someplace other than the hospital.”

“Yeah, it’s also good to be someplace other than the hospital. These are all people I work with at the ryokan.”

Tomo’s eyes zero in on Halley. I’ve seen this look before. This is the “I don’t care about you, but I want to know about your pretty, blonde friend” look. Typical. And tonight, this is going to bring me to tears. I can feel them brewing at the back of my head. I’ve had just enough beer to be an emotional wreck, and this is no place to exhibit my weakness to everyone I work with.

I wipe my lips with a napkin and reach for my purse, standing up.

“Tomo, I’d like for you to meet my best friend, Halley.” I lean in and whisper, “I hope your English is good.” I’ve only heard two or three sentences in English from him so far.

“It is,” he responds in English. “I studied medicine in Colorado.”

Halley’s face tips up at the sound of Tomo’s voice, all her attention turned to full throttle. “Medicine? I’m studying sports medicine at Michigan State.”

They shake hands, so I reach into my bag, grab my wallet, and thrust a wad of cash at Halley. “I’m going home. Talk to the doctor and make friends. I can’t sit here anymore.”

Her face falls, and she touches my arm. “Are you sure? Isa, I’m so sorry.” I know she means Masa, so I nod my head at her fast and pull myself together enough to make my way down the table and shout good night to everyone. Masa glances up from his conversation with Kae briefly, his eyebrows knitted together.

I lurch to the front door and burst through onto the street, inhaling a deep breath of hot air. The smoke inside the restaurant was starting to get to me, what with the alcohol swishing around in my belly. I sigh and take out my phone, ready to text Grandma and let her know I’m on my way home. Tears begin to well in my eyes, flashes of Masa and Kae laughing and whispering to each other intruding on my calmer thoughts. Fuck. I’m so stupid.

I begin to walk away from the restaurant towards the main strip so I can hail a cab, when the door opens behind me and Masa exits to the sidewalk.

“Where are you going? Isa, stop!” He runs up and grabs my shoulder.

“I’m leaving. I’ve had a rough week, and I just want to go home and go to bed.”

“Don’t you want to stay and talk to your new doctor friend?”

I roll my eyes even though he sounds hurt and angry. “My new doctor friend? Tomo is a nice guy who took pity on me because my mom is in the hospital, but I think he would rather talk to Halley. Go back inside. It looks like you’re getting along fine with Kae.”

Masa groans as I turn to go. “Isa, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m such a jerk.”

“You? A jerk?” I ask in mock shock. “You mean you’re sorry for flirting with my cousin right in front of me for the last two hours? Why? It’s not like we’re dating or anything. I’m sure she’s perfect for you.” My sarcasm reaches the heights of Mount Fuji, fueled by a truckload of fury.

“Your cousin is a nice girl —”

“Of course, she’s nice.” I rub the onslaught of tears from my cheeks and fling them to the ground. “She’s nice, sweet, talented, gorgeous, and she’s going somewhere in her life. She’s a catch, and she was just saying the other day how handsome you are.”

Masa’s mouth falls open.

“What? What do you want to hear from me? You want my blessing? Go ahead and date my cousin. Date whomever you want. It’s none of my business.”

“But…” He sighs, holding his hands out to the side. “I want it to be your business.”

“Fine. Then date my cousin if you like her so much.”

“I don’t. Look, I’m frustrated. I don’t want my girlfriend giving me money and giving back my gifts.”

All my anger dies out in a puff of smoke. “Girlfriend? Are you…” I stumble towards him. “Are you talking about me? I’m not your girlfriend.”

He breaks eye contact with me to examine his shoes as a group of people walk by us and stare.

“Ooooh, a lovers’ quarrel!” One of them laughs, and the rest titter along with him. I tell them to fuck off in Japanese.

“Jesus, Isa, you have a mouth like a yakuza when you’re angry.”

I turn my back to him so I can wipe the tears from my face and take a deep breath before turning around. I fold my arms across my chest and wait, but he won’t look at me. He rocks backwards on his heels, his hands stuffed in his pockets again, and his face fallen downward.

“Fine. If you’re not going to say it, I will.” This is it. Time to stop stalling. “Masa, if you want to date me, if you want us to be together, then the words have to actually come out of your mouth. Because I have waited for a sign from you for over a year. I kissed you and you pushed me away.”

“I didn’t!” he starts to protest, but my anger bubbles over.

“You did,” I say, poking him in the chest with my index finger. “I kissed you, and it was the greatest kiss I’ve ever had, because you kissed me back. I felt the connection. I felt it right here.” I cover my aching heart with my fist. “Then you pushed me away and wiped your mouth in disgust. I have never…” My voice cracks, and I stop to swallow away the weak words. “Never been so hurt in all my life. You hurt me. I went from sheer joy and happiness to heartbreak in less than a second.”

Masa closes his eyes and inhales, calming himself and relaxing his rigid jaw and shoulders. “You were drinking that night. I could taste the alcohol on your lips.” He touches two fingers to his mouth, the memory of our kiss bouncing between us. “And I figured you didn’t mean it. You said you didn’t mean it.”

“Only after you did! I lied!” I throw my arms up in the air and wiggle my head. “I totally lied. I meant that kiss. I had been meaning to kiss you since I met you. But I sat and watched you date Toni and kept my feelings to myself because I couldn’t bear messing it up and then not spending time with you.”

He steps forward into my space, the heat of our argument wrapped up in summertime pulses from him. I don’t back away. No. I’m standing my ground.

“That’s how I feel, too. That’s why I’m here. I thought I had screwed up everything, and I didn’t want to spend the summer without you.”

Anger and happiness flip flop in my head, like two dogs fighting over a ball.

“Do you want us to be together? Like really together?” I ask, inching in closer. His scent, his nearness, his chest rising and falling rapidly, all wash over me. My hands shake, anxiety grasping at the back of my brain. The voice in my head says, “Run! Leave now before you get hurt!”

“I’ve wanted you for months.” His hands hold me around my waist, and he’s exactly the way I dreamed he would be when he finally said those words, lips parted, breath heaving, eyes locked on mine. “Right here. Not there…” He jerks his chin away from us. “Here.”

I reach up and pull his lips down to mine before I say anything else. This time I feel urgency, not surprise, in the way his mouth moves over mine, hunting every available space for him to kiss and meld to. His body tightens as I pull him close to me, living in this kiss, erasing our last kiss, because this one is so much better. Masa wants me. He really wants me, and he actually said so. I didn’t imagine it.

He draws my chest tight to his, and his heart is racing beneath mine. I moan and separate my lips from his to gasp for breath. Masa is panting, his eyes closed and lips swollen. I part my legs a fraction so I can be even closer to him, and he’s rock hard when I push my pelvis into his.

He eases his fingers into my hair and grins as a whistle pierces the air from behind me. I jerk to move away from him.

“Shhhh, don’t. It’s just some jealous teens.”

Masa glances over the top of my head, and I come to my senses. I’m kissing him on the sidewalk not far from the izakaya. Japan is not huge on PDA, and if anyone I know witnesses this, I’ll be shamed for life. I’m too dazed to move, though. My entire body is alive and on fire. If I could, I’d jump him right now in the street.

“I wanted to do that the other morning when I woke up and found you next to me.”

“You should have.”

“Mmmm, yes.” Masa runs his thumbs along the length of my jaw. How many months, years, have I waited for him to look at me like this? “Can you come home with me tonight?”

“Really? You want to go straight from our first real kiss to me spending the night? That’s quite a leap.” I smile at him, so he knows I’m kidding with him and not angry.

“It’s not like you haven’t spent the night before.”

I step back from him, putting some air between us to cool us off. “I slept with you platonically. This would be very different.”

“I should hope so.”

I regret stepping away from him. I’ve stepped away a hundred million times over the past two years. I reach towards his waist and hesitate. Two years of habits are hard to break. Masa glances at my fallen arms before hugging me to him.

“Are you having issues with hugging me?”

I laugh into his chest. “I told myself for a long time that I should keep my distance. This change is hard to believe.”

We both breathe deep and sigh at the same time.

“I just spent two hours in the izakaya listening to how awesome you are from Kae. She told me about all the times you sent each other packages as kids, and how sweet and wonderful you are. I think she’s your biggest advocate.”

Kae said she’d help me out. I should have believed her. I’m an asshole.

“So, can I walk you home? Or do you want to…?” He leans down and kisses my neck, the shock of intimate contact sending pulses straight between my legs. That’s not fair!

“How about we at least wait till the second date? Like a normal couple.”

“Nothing about us is normal,” he says, disengaging from my neck. “I’ve met your family and you’ve met mine. We’ve slept in the same bed together, shared meals with each other, talked about our biggest fears and hopes…”

I nod, silently, rewinding back through the past two years. He’s always been close to me, one of the first people I think about every day and the last I think about each night before I fall asleep.

“Isa, I regret it’s taken this long —”

I place the tips of my fingers on his lips, because statements like that will break me in half. It has taken us ages to get to this point, and I want to rush in and understand how this will work between us. But I also want to slow down and savor this victory.

“How about you treat me to a real date and then we have sex?” My voice catches on that word, even though I talk about sex all the time with Halley or other girl friends. It’s interesting, I’ve never even mentioned it to Masa. We’ve kept things exceptionally platonic. I’m sure he had sex with his previous girlfriends and with Toni. I once witnessed a make-out session they had. The display did not do good things to my heart because it looked like sex with clothes on. “That seems fair to me. I’ve never been out on a real date before.”

“Never? Didn’t Alex take you out?”

“Nope. We had a behind-closed-doors relationship.”

He narrows his eyes at me, and I keep my face as neutral as possible. I’m not ready to tell him about my Alex Plan, a.k.a. The Get Laid At All Costs Plan. My most innovative and successful plan to date.

“Okay. A real date then,” he says, turning me towards the park and home.

“Next Thursday.”

“With Friday off, we could sleep in.” The smile on his face is so wide, he glows in the lamplight of the businesses surrounding us.

“Sounds perfect.”

“Let me walk you home.”