Summer Haikus – Chapter 21

We eat cold soba noodles and drink beers at lunch in a busy tourist-infested place close to the temple. The beers were Masa’s idea, even though I fear I’m far from being hydrated. But just like the night of the party when I threw myself at him and embarrassed us both, the alcohol loosens me up and eases away my anxiety. We eat quickly, hunched over our soba and shrimp tempura, downing the beers at record speed. The restaurant is too noisy and filled with smoke to spend any extended time here.

“Do you think your mom will give in soon?”

Masa walks beside me as we wind our way through Ueno Park, a vast expanse of greenery to the west of Asakusa. With the afternoon in full swing, all the paths are flooded with people. I turn my head and catch sight of an old man sitting in the grass with a guinea pig on a leash.

“Did you see that?” I ask, giggling and grabbing Masa’s arm, jerking my head to the left. “That guy has a guinea pig, on a leash! Outside!”

Masa laughs, his face flushed from the beer we drank. “I’m sure that’s pretty normal around here. Our next outing should be to Ikebukuro or one of the cat or owl cafés. That’d be fun for you.”

“I hear there are guinea pigs at the Inokashira Park Zoo, and I still want to go to Studio Ghibli.”

Masa nods his head, his hair bouncing everywhere. “We have lots of time this summer to do everything.”

“Only if we spend our days off together.” My heart stutters. I’m being too bold.

“I don’t want to spend them with anyone else.”

Between the heat of the day, the beer, and Masa saying things I actually want him to say, my face blushes bright red.

“Ooof,” Masa breathes. “You’re burning up. You okay?”

“I’m fine,” I say, fanning myself with the brochure from Sensō-ji Temple. “Happy, but yeah, hot.”

Masa turns to walk backwards in front of me. “Let’s get ice cream and sit in the shade.”

“Excellent idea.”

We head out of the park and find a place that serves soft-serve ice cream in a variety of crazy Japanese flavors. I order a cone of mango and coconut swirl and Masa gets matcha green tea ice cream in a cone. We run back across the road, into the park, and under a tree to a shady piece of grass.

“Matcha’s my favorite,” he says, licking the length of the swirl and eating half of it in one big chomp. I have spent many meals with Masa. They all involve him eating his food in a vacuum-like manner. Food is on the plate one moment, in his belly the next. It’s not disgusting, though, how some guys eat. More like it just disappears straight into his mouth.

“Have you composed a haiku for it? I don’t believe anything is special to you until it’s been a haiku.”

“Of course…” He clears his throat, before pushing his sunglasses on top of his head.

—-

“Bitter and sweet cream

The color of grass and spring —

Soft serve gone swiftly.”

—-

I laugh as he takes another bite and only the cone remains. The mango and coconut ice cream was a good choice, sweet and tangy, and so cold sliding down my throat, cooling me off from the inside out. I sigh in contentment, drawing my knees up to my chest. Masa chomps and finishes his cone in three more bites before leaning back in the grass next to me on his elbows.

“I love this area. You ever been here?”

“No,” I say, sweeping my eyes across the crowds, the sidewalks, and the grass. “What else is around here?”

“Tokyo University, Geidai. It’s an art school.” He plucks at the grass, rubbing the blades between his fingers. “I wanted to go to school there — begged my parents to send me — but my dad thinks art is ‘impractical.’” The air quotes are loud and damning. Masa is lucky to have so much talent, but not every parent wants to see their kid grow up a starving artist.

I fold my arms over the tops of my knees and rest my head on them, holding my dripping cone over the grass. “Why’d you end up at State then?”

“English and communications was the closest I could get to art, and I like East Lansing a lot. My mom went to graduate school at MSU, so we always visited. Anyway…” He sighs, his eyes turned away from me and unfocused. I imagine him here, walking with a backpack like at MSU, at home in Tokyo. I bet he would have been happy here. “So, how long have you been having panic attacks?” he asks, his voice low so no one else around us can hear.

“You mean, how long has this been ‘a thing’?”

“Yeah.”

“Since my mom left for Tokyo. Growing up, she kept me in check, you know?”

“Sure, like most moms.” Masa’s parents are happily married. His dad is a sweet man, if a bit overbearing, and his mom has always been nice to me. There were a few occasions last year when they came up to State to take him out to dinner with his younger sister, and they invited me along. I loved that. My dad never came up to visit me at school. Too busy with his new family.

“I wasn’t a dawdler, and I knew the importance of being on time, but Mom always kept me on target. When she left, I froze up. I was always worried or anxious I would be late for everything. I hate letting people down.”

“That’s why you have the planner.”

“Yeah.” I pause and take another bite of ice cream, letting the moment sit so I don’t grow anxious. “She bought it for me a month before she left. I had my phone, but I don’t know. It wasn’t the same. I lived by her planner growing up. So I learned to keep my own, to plan everything, down to the tiniest details. And it helped. Enough to not take happy pills every day.”

“Were you on anti-depressants?” His voice rises in disbelief.

“For a while.” I hold out the last of my cone to him. “Here. You want the rest?” He takes it, and I wipe off my hand on a paper napkin. “I didn’t leave my dad’s house for two whole weeks, mostly holed up in my room. I took one anti-depressant and anti-anxiety pill for a few months but it messed with my sleep, so I stopped. The planner and keeping everything on schedule helped more than the pills.”

My fingers dance over the hem to my shorts, pushing and pulling it into a straight line across my leg. Only Halley knew about the meds, no one else, and only Halley has ever cared about my scheduling difficulties. Masa never said anything before today. He knew I made plans for everything, that I love to be organized and in control, but I bet he never suspected a lack of plans would break me.

“Why didn’t you have your planner today?”

“I didn’t have any money, and I thought we’d stay in Kichijōji.”

“Don’t leave home without it again,” he says, resting his hand on my ankle.

“Really? I thought you’d tell me it’s a crutch, and I should learn to live without it. My dad says that often enough.”

“Forget that. I saw you today. You would have passed out if I hadn’t been there. Keep it close to you.”

I want to leap forward and hug and kiss him for saying that. It’s moments like these when I believe he’s the only person who understands me at all.

His fingers glide across the top of my foot before he folds his arms behind his head and lies back in the grass. I lie down at his side and stare up through the tree branches to the blue sky dotted with puffy white clouds. Despite the people rushing around us through the park, delicate tendrils of peace stroke at the anxious parts of my brain — the parts that think striking and leaving my mom in the lurch was a bad idea, the parts that think flirting with Masa is a bad idea, the parts that tell me I’m a loser who could never date such a wonderful and attractive guy anyway.

“Isa-chan?” My head snaps up at the sound of my name. My cousin, Kae, with a girl friend of hers by her side, is walking across the grass towards us. She’s gorgeous again today in espadrille sandals, fashionably baggy shorts cinched tight at the waist, and a pink tank top. “Well, I never expected to run into you in the city.” She smiles down at me, sweet and sincere, before her eyes flick to Masa. Her body language changes as he sits up and pushes his sunglasses on top of his head. Her chest rises and smile grows seductive. Uh-oh.

“Kae, this is my friend, Masa. Masa, my cousin, Kae.”

“Hi,” he says, waving his hand and smiling at her.

She cocks her shoulders and puts a hand on her hip. “Isa-chan, you didn’t tell me you had such a handsome friend in town.”

Masa raises his eyebrows at me, and I roll my eyes at him. “Don’t let it go to your head,” I mumble at him. “He’s from Michigan too but his family has a place in Akasaka.”

“That’s a nice neighborhood to have an apartment.”

“My mom and dad’s families are both originally from Tokyo.” He nods at Kae. What he doesn’t tell Kae is his dad is well off from the dozens of dentist offices he owns, and his mom inherited a small fortune when both her parents died. Masa has never flaunted his family’s wealth.

“How long are you going to be in town?” Kae asks, twirling the strap of her purse in her fingers.

“As long as Isa.” He smiles at me, and I pick at the grass between my crossed legs.

“Well, then, we should get together soon! Let’s all go out.”

“Hey, we’re going to go to an izakaya on Friday.” Masa’s elbow digs into my ribs. Ugh. I do remember telling him about that over the weekend.

“Yes!” Kae claps her hands. “In Kichijōji? I have no plans on Friday.”

“I find that hard to believe,” I say, trying to keep bitterness from my voice.

Masa jumps up, and Kae’s eyes dance over his body. My mouth grows dry, and my heart starts to pound, dread grabbing ahold of good cheer and stomping it to a bloody, sputtering death.

“I’m going to go get us some water, Isa. See you Friday, Kae.” Masa waves as he heads off towards a bank of vending machines not far from us.

“Isa,” Kae whispers, breathless, “he is so handsome. Is he just a friend? Or what?” She licks her bottom lip, a tinge of desperation to her question.

I’m not sure how to answer. Is he more than a friend? He is to me. I’d jump up and kiss him again if I knew he wasn’t going to push me away. I’d sleep with him in a heartbeat. I’d do anything for him because I’m sure he’d do just about anything for me. But does he consider me more than a friend? I’m not sure.

I look up at Kae again and remember she’s my family. She could be competition, but not if I tell her no.

“We’re friends, but maybe more. I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” she asks, fanning her face.

“It’s complicated.”

Kae glances at her friend, typing away on her phone and ignoring us both.

“Do you want him to be more than a friend?” She squats down next to me, throwing a glance over her shoulder to see if Masa is coming back.

I cover my face with my hands. “Of course I want to be more than friends, but guys don’t like me in that way. Not the way they like you.”

“Have no fear.” She pats me on the shoulder. “We’ll go to dinner, and I’ll help you out.”

She stands up and turns to walk away. “You’re a lucky girl, Isa-chan. He’s smoking hot.” She waves to me and to Masa, who’s returning with waters for both of us.

“Your cousin’s nice,” he says, handing me a bottle. I crack it open and suck down a quarter of the bottle without answering. “What should we do the rest of the day?”

I look at my phone, and besides the multiple calls from my mom and a few texts from Halley, there’s nothing urgent. It’s almost five o’clock, and I’m tired from a full day of sightseeing in the sun.

“Can we go back to your place?”