Released – Chapter 37

Jiro comes back forty minutes later bearing crepes filled with fresh berries and whipped soy creme on the side.

“This is such a lovely breakfast. Thank you.” I sit down and wait as he puts a plate in front of me, fills up my coffee, and sits down across from me.

I stop and stare, drink him in. He’s here, with me, for breakfast. It’s been so long, I’ve forgotten how fresh and alive he looks in the morning. I want to eat all of this food and snuggle up to him on the couch. That would be the perfect antidote to all the drama this morning, drama I want to forget.

Slicing into the crepes, I get started on this decadent breakfast.

“Sanaa, can I… access your tablet, please?”

“Of course. Did you leave yours someplace?” I gently set down my knife and fork and grab my tablet from the couch.

“No, my tablet’s in the bedroom, remember?” I nod and hand mine over before sitting back down. “You know I trust you, right?”

“Yes…” That’s not a good way to start a conversation.

“I’m going to look through all your messages. Usagi’s not at home, and Beni swears she had no idea my mother was keeping you from spending time with them. You understand, right?”

I suppose I’m not going to easily forget the drama. I nod my head, slow and deliberate. I have nothing to hide. I told him about Chad — I’m not lying about any of this — but letting him have access to all of my correspondence is terrifying. I guard my privacy closely.

I eat while he taps through my inbox, his face progressively getting sadder and angrier the longer he stays on my tablet.

“This is ridiculous. I count over fifty messages to my mother alone since July that have gone unanswered. Usagi, at least, wrote you back most times to tell you he was working but doesn’t say on what. Oyama always responds to your requests for food. Beni responded to all of your business requests, but any time you asked her to come over, she said my mother needed her. Miko was working but you could have seen her if only Usagi had taken you. Yoichi never responded once to your messages. You even wrote Kentaro.”

“He’s the only one who responded to get together. We’ve gone to the dōjō when you couldn’t and the grocery store on the day of the earthquake. I wasn’t sure if it was proper to socialize with him otherwise, just the two of us. I was afraid rumors would spread or something.”

He taps on the screen a few more times. “There’s this bizarre chain of messages that goes over a span of two weeks where everyone claims they’re busy and passes you off to someone else.” He sets down the tablet and closes his eyes. “I’m completely horrified. I let people and circumstances separate us. We both did. We can’t do that again.”

I push my plate away from me, my throat unable to allow food to pass to my stomach anymore.

“You know what kills me about all of this? Your mother actually warned me about you.” I laugh, surprised at how bitter it tastes in my mouth, fuzzy and repugnant. “She told me to watch out for you because you always think the best of people. That you’re too trusting. And here you were, trusting your mother and me, and we both failed you.”

He leans forward, his elbows on the table, and his forehead resting on his hands. His chin-length hair comes loose from behind his ears and covers up the agony on his face. “You haven’t failed me. You tried your best with shitty circumstances. I only wish you had talked to me about it.”

“I’m sorry,” I mumble. I knew he’d be upset, especially with his mother, but I always thought if he found out about this, he would say this is my lot in life, my burden to carry. I would have to accept it, like when Helena told me to accept my fate and just be me.

“I just don’t understand. Yoichi told me he has dinner with my mother and Miko all the time. They go to my cousins’ together. I keep thinking about those conversations with Yoichi, and it’s only now apparent your name was never mentioned. You never mentioned those dinners because you didn’t attend them, and I always thought you had.”

Gods, hearing the depth of my abandonment straight from Jiro’s mouth is making my chest seize up. “They all blame me.” He doesn’t deny my claim, so I press on. “Your mother blames me for your father’s death. Your brother blames me for it too, and for Miko’s poisoning. Usagi blames me for Helena. Oyama feels bad for Usagi. Miko feels bad for Yoichi and your mother.”

At least I’m pretty sure Sakai and Lucy don’t blame me for anything, but they’re far too busy to provide me with company. My new family, though, has shunned me, as did my old one. How has my life come to this?

“I tried to work things out with Yoichi, honestly. I knew things were not right between me and your mother, but I thought I was reading her wrong especially after our conversation at the house in the desert.”

“I know.”

“We had a few lunches when I thought things were going well between us, but then she would just break into tears. One day she was crying, and I tried to comfort her, but she was violent with me. Practically flung me away. But then other times, she was normal, even caring, though she’s not touched or hugged me in months.”

“Was Beni there the times she was nicer?”

“Yes.”

“My mother is excellent at saving face. She would never have acted unkind to you with other people around.” Jiro rubs his face, sighing and growling.

It’s all been an act? I believed she was dealing with her own issues and grief privately. But no, she’s been blaming me from the beginning.

I square up my shoulders and lift my head. “I’ll admit I’m upset and disappointed…” And as soon as I say it, the tears start rolling, but I keep going. “Because I’ve missed my aunts so much, and I really wanted to be a part of your family since I have very little family of my own.” I quickly wipe off my face and take a weak and trembling breath. “I was hoping your mother could be like a mother to me.”

Jiro’s eyes are focused on me but past me. There are many days when I can’t read him, because his emotions run so deep. My guess is he’s either so sad he’s trying not to cry or so vindictive he’s trying not to kill someone. Either way, he’s holding himself together just for me.

“You are a part of my family, Sanaa. You are my family. I can’t help but think that if my father were still alive, none of this would have happened. He loved you. There’s no way he would have stood for this. There’s no way I’m standing for this now that I know.”

His chest heaves, anger rising in his voice.

“Jiro, please calm down. If your mother doesn’t want to associate with me, we have to accept her decision. Not every girl gets along with her mother-in-law.” I’ve reached a level of numbness where my mind can’t process what’s happened to me. I’ve been ignored. Shunned on purpose. I did nothing to deserve this.

Red, hot anger wells up from my stomach. She’s allowed me to be alone for months when we could have comforted each other and been friends. How will we ever fix this? Because right now I want to scream at her, yell at her and tell her how foolish she’s been because I’ll never forget this.

I can’t yell at her if I want to salvage our relationship. And I should try to salvage it somehow because I can’t avoid her for the rest of my life.

Where does this energy go? Jiro’s right in front of me, his eyes rich with emotion, his tattoos cresting above the low collar of his shirt, his strong hands curled into angry fists. I want those hands on me. Now.

“Jiro, I’ve missed you like crazy. I want you to take me, on this table, right now.”

His eyes widen, realization forming so quick, and he jumps up from his seat, sweeps his hand across our plates, and sends them straight to the floor, my soggy crepes landing in a heap right next to my slippers. I launch myself across the table at him, kissing him hard enough to knock my forehead into his. He doesn’t flinch. I pull my clothes off as fast as possible coming to the edge of the table and wrapping my legs around him.

Dominant Jiro pins me down, alternately being hard on me, then slowing down and telling me how much he loves me and missed me. I dig my nails into his back until he winces and kisses me. I want to hit him, hit myself, for being so damned stupid these past few months. We trusted his family blindly, and I let him down by not saying anything. He let me down by never asking, only assuming. We’ve both been fools. Been fooled.

I may have been fooled, but I’m not broken. I know where everyone stands now, and it’ll be that much easier to trust the right people from here on out. Dammit, people will have to earn my trust. I will not indiscriminately put my faith in anyone again.

“Stop, Jiro.”

He pulls back quickly. “What?”

“No more anger. I just want to enjoy you.” I smile at him, one of the few people now who deserve my love and respect. “Take me to the couch.”

We’re so good to each other, and when I open my eyes, Jiro is sitting over me on the couch. His eyes run me over from my head, down my neck, and over my body to my hips. Then he leans down and runs his hand back up my body where his eyes just were, over my stomach, around my breasts, into the space under my arm, and up to my left hand.

“Jiro…”

“Shhh, I’m storing this away for later.”