Released – Chapter 36

I wake in the middle of the night in my own bed, curled into the fetal position, facing the wall, with Jiro wrapped around me. He’s so solid and warm that I go back to sleep, and, the next time I wake, the light is on, and Jiro sits next to me with his tablet on.

“Hey,” he says, putting his tablet down.

I sit up and look around, rubbing my face with my hands. I blink my eyes slowly, the lids swollen and sticky, and my hair is sticking up in a hundred different directions. Pulling my legs up, I rest my head face-down on my knees. I’m so ashamed of the way I acted yesterday.

“I’m so sorry, Sanaa. I feel like an ass for leaving you here in this building over and over again. Every time I left, I figured you were doing things here with my mother or Beni and asking Usagi to take you out.”

“I tried, but he was always busy.” I stop for a minute, letting silence sit while I recover my voice. “Usagi’s a grown man with a life of his own. There were a few nights when I thought I’d like to go out, but he wasn’t home. I messaged him, but I never heard back.”

“But, that’s his job. That’s why you pay him.”

I have no idea what to say. Should I be mad with Usagi? Threaten to fire him? He’s technically family now, and, if he doesn’t want to spend time with me, I can’t make him. Maybe I should consider hiring someone else for my personal protection.

“So you’ve been here spending time alone or with my mother and Beni?”

I slowly shake my head. “I only see your mother for the lunches you schedule. That’s it. I only see Beni for business matters.”

“What have you been doing here all the time I’ve been gone?” His voice rises higher in octave, completely surprised.

“Um, nothing.” I shrug my shoulders. “Sometimes I watch old movies, read…”

“The security staff says you pace the halls and climb the stairs.”

He must have investigated while I was sleeping.

“Yes, I do that too. I go to everyone’s apartment to see if they’re home. They’re usually not.”

“But I left you in a building full of people!”

“No. Not as much as you think. Miko and Yoichi have their own life now, and though Yoichi apologized, when I spend time with them, I’m a danger to them. Usagi and Oyama have their own lives. Beni is great, but she and your mother spend time together with family out of the building. My aunts work double shifts all the time, and I can’t go see them without security. Mark and Lucy are busy, usually with you. Helena is gone…”

Jiro stares at me, not saying a word.

“I finally became friends with the security guards a few weeks ago. I have gifts for Akira’s children before we leave.” I pluck at the covers and pull them up farther to my chin. “And, I’ve been talking with Chad, and I haven’t told you.”

“Okay…” He’s waiting for more, but there is no more.

“He’s been dating someone, and we’ve been chatting about her. I’ve told him all about you and the sword fighting and everything but this imperial business.”

Jiro’s shoulders soften. “Why haven’t you told him?”

“I don’t want him to know. Everyone treats me strange because of it. They’re all stiff and fake smiles, and I can’t tell if they’re just being nice to me or what. I doubt I’ll ever make genuine friends again.”

“Have you gone to see Chad or asked him here? I would hope you did.” This breaks me. Jiro trusts me, and I’ve let him down by not trusting in him to fix this situation ages ago. I wanted to handle this problem myself, but I screwed it up.

“No. We’ve only chatted or messaged online. Like I said, he has someone he spends all his time with. He asked me to come out a few times, but I always turned him down. You’re not around, and if I brought Usagi, I’d have to explain.”

The door chimes in the other room, and Jiro huffs, glances at his tablet to see who it is, narrows his eyes at the screen, and gets out of bed. Mariko is here.

I pull on a pair of pants in the bedroom and try to smooth out my hair in the mirror when Jiro’s voice filters in from the living room.

“I asked you to watch after her, and now I find she’s been coming to see you, coming to your door, and you haven’t been home or answering.”

“Don’t get angry with me, Jiro.” Shit. There’s a fight starting in my living room over me.

“What’s going on?” Double shit. Sakai is here too. I back away from the door in our bedroom, unwilling to go out and face them.

“She’s all alone here,” Jiro shouts, “and I thought I could depend on you to spend time with her when I couldn’t.”

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t always around. I missed… I miss your father and spending time with my family has given me peace.”

“That’s no excuse. Why didn’t you bring her with you? I would have loved for my aunts, uncles, and grandmother to get to know her before we left.”

“What? Jiro? What are you saying?” Lucy’s voice rings above all the others as I hear the door to the hallway close. Goosebumps race up my arms. A confrontation is looming, a huge family fight, and I’m hiding like a coward in the bedroom. I grab a knit sweater, pull it on quickly, and open the door.

Silence descends on everyone as they all turn to look at me.

Mariko is an unhealthy shade of white. “I have a confession to make. All of the nights I said I was taking Sanaa and Miko to my brother’s house, I was only taking Miko. There were many nights when Sanaa came to me for company, and I didn’t answer the door.” Her voice is monotone, like someone who has practiced their confession enough times to not feel anything. My heart is so broken, it’s numb. The family dinners Miko referred to at the casino were real, and I wasn’t invited.

“I’m sorry…” I start but Jiro’s head whips around, and he points straight at me.

“Don’t you dare apologize,” he snaps, his voice cold.

“Don’t you talk to her like that!” Mariko yells.

“Stop yelling! Everyone!” I yell back, and once they’re all silent, I sink to my knees and bring my forehead to the floor. “I’m so sorry for everything. I haven’t properly apologized to everyone so I need to say it now. Please don’t interrupt me. Jiro, I’m sorry your father was killed because everyone at the theater was coming to kill me. I’m sorry you now have to deal with clan politics and can’t enjoy your life before you have to take over Sakai family. I’m sorry that, because of me, the Uchiyama twins poisoned Helena, took away my best friend, and Usagi’s girlfriend. I’m sorry they tried to kill us all at Izakaya Tanaka… also because of me.” I keep my head down. If Jiro sees my face he’s going to say it isn’t my fault, when everything clearly is. Just because I didn’t want these horrible things to happen doesn’t mean they’re not my fault.

“I owe you all so much, and I feel awful for putting such huge burdens on you. I thought I’d make Sakai clan my family, and it’s clearly not working out despite trying my hardest with Mrs. Itō and Yoichi. It makes it even worse that I know we’re married, and I’ll never be able to take care of the family someday like your mother does. I take and take from you all, and I don’t give enough back. I could never give enough back to replace your father.”

“I’m sorry,” Mariko blurts out, the apology bursting from her mouth. “Sanaa, I’m sorry for ignoring you all these months. I let you be alone, and I realize what a foolish thing that was to do.”

I sit up to seiza in time to see a ripple of pure anger flow over Sakai’s face before he becomes passive. “Why on earth would you do such a thing… and then lie about it? You told me months ago you were happy to have her here.”

“Be… Because spending time with Sanaa only made me think of Koichi, and it was easier to not spend time with her than to face… face the person connected to his death.” She blames me for his death. I don’t think I’ll ever win back her trust now. “I have damaged this relationship in an irrevocable manner. It kills me to know you’ve sat alone for months and worried about my family when I have done the complete opposite. You’re my family too, and I should have considered your feelings instead of just thinking of my own.”

“I just wanted to be your friend.” My lower lip quivers, and I bite down on it to make it stop. “I thought maybe we could be close the way Jiro is close with my aunts. You know he goes and visits them once per week? He thought we were doing that and more. Instead I only saw you every other week, if you didn’t cancel on me.”

“Mother, you canceled the lunches I planned? How could you?” I’ve never seen Jiro so shocked about anything, not even the day I found out everything about my heritage.

“Jiro…” Mariko reaches out a hand to him, but he steps back towards me.

“It’s not her fault!” Jiro screams, his face lifted to the ceiling, attempting to tell the whole world once and for all. “Sanaa, get off your knees, please.” He offers me a hand and gently pulls me up. “So you’ve been trying to have a life and been denied?” he asks me, and I look at my feet. “Tell me now.”

Ugh, I wish Mariko, Sakai, and Lucy weren’t here, but I have to tell Jiro the truth or he’ll know that I’m lying to protect other people’s feelings. I nod my head and slowly make eye contact with him again, watching his anger dissolve into sadness.

“Every day or night I’ve wanted to see people, I’ve tried. Last night was the first night I was successful.”

“What?” Sakai is fuming, unable to hold his passivity.

“You’re serious?” Lucy glances from me to Mariko. Mariko is denying nothing.

Jiro’s eyes widen as he paces into the kitchen. “But I’ve been working most evenings for the past couple of months. Since July!” He closes his eyes and shakes his head. “I wish you had said something sooner.”

“How could I? You were working on my behalf, and it’s not fair to make everyone here bend over backwards for me. I messaged people constantly for company, and I received nothing but excuses in return. Besides, they all knew I was here alone yet nobody came back to the building during the day or night to see if I needed anything. No one but Oyama, and without him I would have starved. I had to accept that if they wanted to spend time with me they would. That’s it.”

He takes three strides across the room to me, and he’s so intense I shrink back, but at the last moment, he slows his approach. “You are not only the most important person in my life, you are the most important person in this city. The most important person in the colonization. It’s inexcusable that people would ignore you. I have been meeting with influential people and garnering your support, and I thought I left you in capable hands at home. Shit. I promised you I would never leave you alone again. I promised on our unborn children.”

He heads straight for the door. Oh no. Where is he going? It’s not even eight in the morning.

“Jiro,” I start but my voice cracks immediately, and Mariko, Sakai, and Lucy stand and watch. Don’t sound desperate, Sanaa. “Won’t you stay and have breakfast with me this morning? It’s been ages since we last had breakfast together.” I try as hard as I can to smile and convince him, though my lungs are light, and I’m unable to breathe. I hate the mornings I wake up and he’s already gone.

He pauses for a moment, both shoes on, and clutches his hand to his chest. “Gods, you just broke my heart. Make coffee and tea. I’ll be back with breakfast soon, and I’ll stay with you all day. Mother, you should go home.”

“No,” Sakai says, his arms crossed over his chest, “Mariko, you should come upstairs with me and Lucy. We have much to discuss.”

Jiro opens the door for her, giving Mariko a deathly stare, one I’m actually frightened by. Mariko dips her head at me at the door and leaves with Sakai and Lucy following close behind.

I’m alone again.