Released – Chapter 35

Nishikyō lays low the next day while the city shakes with aftershocks, some strong enough to knock things over and shut down the transitway once more. Sakai sends security to scan our apartment, but they find no other bugs. When they leave, I break into sobs in the bathroom while trying to clean myself up. I’m so tired of all the stress, of my life being invaded again and again.

After I get myself together, I climb the stairs to Mariko’s apartment for a scheduled luncheon and pray to the gods she doesn’t turn me away today. I don’t think I could take the rejection.

“Sanaa, come in.” She opens the door with barely a smile, and I tense up another notch. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine, Mrs. Itō.” I bow to her at the door. I’m sick of constantly wondering about my place in this family. If she’s not going to let me in, I’m going to widen the circle around us. I stiffly walk to the couch and sit down.

Beni comes out of the kitchen with bowls of food for us and sits down across from me on a chair, not noticing Mariko still standing at the door.

“You have a full week ahead, Sanaa.” She grabs her tablet and gets down to business. “You have your final doctor appointment before hibernation in two days. Miko was wondering if you and Jiro could help them pack up the rest of the izakaya?” I nod in response. Sure. Might as well stay busy. “Jiro sent on a request from Minamoto. He’d like to meet at Shōfū-an again. And your aunts write to say they miss you.”

My aunts are so understanding. I’ve barely seen them since the summer. As much as I love living with Jiro, I miss spending time with them in the mornings or snuggling with them on the couch after work. With Helena gone and Miko married, Jiro busy morning, noon, and night, Sakai and Lucy married, and my aunts in Ku 5, I’ve been really lonely.

Really.

Mariko sits down next to me. “What’s the matter?”

My head snaps at her with a flash of anger. What do you mean, what’s the matter? I shake my head to clear it. Be strong, Sanaa.

“Tell my aunts I miss them. Can I see them soon?” I ask Beni.

“Let me make room on the calendar,” she says, smiling at my eager expression.

“What are you two doing this afternoon?” I eat to distract myself. Don’t cry, Sanaa.

“We were going to go visit my brother, Matsuo, and have dinner at his place,” Mariko says, grabbing her own bowl of rice from the table. “They’re not coming on first wave with us, so I wanted to be with them as much as I can before we go.”

“That sounds nice.” Do I sound disappointed? I meant to sound happy for them.

“What are you doing, Sanaa?” Mariko asks.

“Well, usually we go to the dōjō in the afternoon, but Jiro is busy with Mark and Lucy in Ku 1, and I think they’ll be gone through dinner. Kentaro is off enjoying his free time. And with Kazuo and Sachi on the loose, I need Usagi with me when I leave the building, so I usually don’t. I will probably just stay home again.”

What I want to do is yell, “Why have you been ignoring me?” But her eyes are soft and focused at a family photo on the wall before she turns back to me, her hand to her mouth.

“Why don’t you come with us tonight?” Her voice shakes, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d think she was going to cry. But no tears appear. “It sounds like you’ll be alone in your apartment.”

Fear, that’s what I see. Sadness laced heavily with fear.

“No, no. It’s okay. I don’t want to intrude. I’m trying to be fine with being alone. I don’t have a lot of control over my life, and it’s best if I just accept it.”

Mariko pauses, and we stare at each other for a moment. Do I detect a small amount of panic? Her pupils widen, and her mouth pinches together. Beni is watching the two of us. Here’s a chance to show my humility.

“Mrs. Itō, I’d like to offer my sincerest apologies.” I back away from her on the couch and bow my head low from my seated position. “I’ve been too informal with you on too many occasions. I have disgraced myself and disgraced this family with my familiarity. I’m a failure of a daughter-in-law, and I’m so sorry that I have offended you. I will do my best to correct my behavior in the future.” I can’t see her face, but air escapes the room as both she and Beni gasp.

“Nonsense, Sanaa.” Her shaky hand pats the top of mine, the first time she’s touched me in months. I think, maybe, finally, she understands. “You have a big family now, and I’ve been remiss to invite you along. It’s my fault. You should spend more time with us. Beni will get Usagi and Oyama.”

“But…” I straighten up from my bow and look between them. “No. I couldn’t possibly come. I don’t want to get in the way.” I can only imagine how Matsuo and his wife will feel with three extra people to entertain on such short notice, one of them hovering over everything in the kitchen.

And honestly, this sudden invitation is too little too late. For months, I’ve been trying to foster a life with her, hell, with anyone in the building, and there’s been nothing.

“No objections. In fact, any time you’re just sitting at home alone, you should let me know. If you want company, I’d be happy to spend time with you.” She glances nervously at Beni, but Beni’s eyebrows are pulled together in confusion. I expressed my suspicions about Mariko to Beni before Miko’s wedding. Is she now remembering all the dinners and outings I wasn’t along for in the intervening months?

My confession is a mistake. I should have confronted Mariko ages ago or never said a word. Now, too many incidents exist to show her at fault, and Beni is witness to them all. Mariko’s honor is at stake, and I’m burning with shame that it’s all my doing.

Both Beni and Mariko shift in their seats, unable to speak.

“Well,” I say, breaking the uncomfortable silence. “I’ll be going home then.” I stand up to leave, but Beni grabs my hand.

“You’ll do no such thing, Sanaa. Here…” She leads me over to the large recliner in the corner and hands me a soft blanket. “Sit here. Read. Take a nap. Make yourself at home in my home until it’s time to leave.”

Mariko does not say a word. She stands up from the couch, walks to her room, and closes the door behind her.

—-

I feel incredibly awkward showing up at Matsuo’s apartment uninvited, but his wife, Fumiko, smiles and invites me in. They have a large, loft space similar to Sakai’s with plenty of room for us all. Oyama helps with dinner, and I sit on the couch, talk, and smile, and just try to be comfortable, but it’s hard. I like Matsuo and Fumiko, but I don’t know them, so I can’t participate in a lot of the conversations.

My thoughts keep drifting as my saké cup is filled over and over. Why couldn’t my own family treat me like this? Wait a minute, why haven’t these new people in my life, my new family, treated me like this before? Why is it only now, a few weeks before hibernation, that I’m finally invited along to meet members of my new family that I will probably not see for ten years?

Anger wells up in my chest before depression overtakes it, and I admit it. I’m alone even when I’m with other people. They’ll never not think I’m an empress, and it changes everything. I’ll never know if I’m being humored because of who I am or genuinely liked.

I’m a block from home when I can’t stop the tears from flooding my eyes.

“Are you all right?” Usagi’s hand lands on my shoulder, and without thinking about what’s proper or right, I throw myself at him and hug him around his neck, crying into his shirt. Gods love Usagi, he doesn’t hesitate to hug me back. I’ve had way too much to drink, and I cling to him hard like I would have done to Helena if she had been here. He’s my only link to her now.

“I’m sorry. Sorry sorry…”

“Shhh, it’s fine. Cry all you want. I’ll carry you home.”

“I don’t wanna go home. Jiro’s not there. Don’t want to be alone anymore.” I lift up my legs and wrap myself around him. Way too familiar but I’m too drunk to care. “Jiro’s never home. My aunt hates me. I can’t visit my other aunts without an escort. Helena is gone. Miko has Yoichi…” The sobs overtake me, and I can’t speak anymore. I want to run on and on about all the times I tried to talk to him or Mariko or Beni, but I don’t.

And holy hell, I now feel horrible for laying this on everyone outside in public. I couldn’t have waited until we were in our own building? I blame it all on myself. Everything. It’s all my fault.

“Bring her up to my apartment, Akio.” Mariko’s voice is sweet and soft, right at my ear, but she doesn’t touch me. There is more distance between us now than there ever was.

Usagi carries me all the way up to Mariko’s apartment and sets me on the couch, but I can’t look up at him. My eyes swim, and my head is clouded with saké. I’m ashamed for being so emotional, but Usagi squats down in front of me and grabs my hands.

“I’m so sorry I’ve ignored your messages or been unable to drop work to come and spend time with you.”

I glance from him to Mariko, and she turns away, not wanting to make eye contact with me.

“I know it’s my job to watch out for you, but I keep forgetting that you like to go out too… That you miss Helena as much as I do, and we could have missed her together.”

I nod because I don’t want to argue. Usagi and I could have been closer. So much has driven us apart, driven me apart from everyone.

I don’t remember falling asleep on the couch, but it’s dark when the door chimes, pulling me up to consciousness again. Mariko answers the door in her robe, and Jiro peers into the dark, looking for me.

“I’ve never come home and found her gone, not since she was away. Thanks for messaging me,” he says, kissing his mother on the cheek.

Jiro comes to the edge of the couch and sits, his hand touching my head and my tear-stained cheek before leaning over and kissing my temple. “So I guess you miss me?”

“Yes. So, so much. I never see you anymore, and you’re my only friend. I’m so lonely.”

He kisses me again, but this time it’s wet with my tears.

“I’m sorry. You should have told me. I would have stayed home with you.”

“I don’t want to make you feel guilty for having to do your job.”

“Well, I certainly don’t have to show up to every meeting personally and leave you at home all the time.” I close my eyes and nod into the couch. “We only have a few weeks left. From now on, I’ll either deal with correspondence electronically or you should come with me if we have to attend. Let me take you home.”

Jiro reaches down and picks me up like I weigh nothing.

“I’ll call on you in the morning,” Mariko says, and then Jiro takes me home and puts me to bed.