Released – Chapter 17

I push away from the table, set my napkin on my chair, and mumble, “I’ll be right back,” to no one in general.

Without knowing where to go, I weave through the tables in the hall, not talking to or smiling at anyone. I just see the exit to the dining room and head straight for the door.

Out in the lobby, I weigh my options. I can’t go outside because I need a bodyguard, and I’m not that stupid to try to walk out of here alone. Instead, I walk around to the side hallway. A coat check room stands dark and empty, and the bathrooms are on the other side of the building. The hall is quiet but not calming me.

“Why can’t I just be calm?” I growl at myself. My feet start to move. There is no standing still when I’m this conflicted.

I’m angry with my mother. She got this situation all wrong. I don’t know how many times I watched that video, but I keep thinking about the part where she tells me I can end the imperial line by not having children. No. That’s not acceptable. I want to have children, and I want to end the line, and I can do that by marrying. Why did she not think to tell me that? Why? Because she never thought of marrying. She never wanted to marry my father and didn’t think I would want to marry either.

Obviously I could go through life and never marry, still have kids, and be happy, but what about Jiro? Is this fair to him? What about Sakai Clan and all the members who count on him? This is not fair to them.

Back and forth. Back and forth.

“Sanaa, stop driving yourself crazy with all of this and come back to the table.” Jiro has put himself directly into my path, and I slam straight into him and push him away.

“Leave me alone. I hate this situation. So much is expected of me. Watching Miko get married and have the life she’s always dreamed of makes me want it too. Stupid bloodline. What am I going to do with my life?”

Just at the end of the hallway, Beni, Jiro, and Usagi stand watch. They must have come out looking for me together.

I stop my pacing, my anger bubbling over the lid I’ve put on it, anger at my circumstances, anger at Jiro, anger at the world! A blush heats up my neck, and I turn my fiery temper on Jiro.

But the look on his face stops me.

“I know that you’re sad and upset and angry about everything. But we will do amazing things with your life. I promise. I’m proud I’ve snatched up a pretty and influential girl. I want to show you off and tell everyone we’re to be married.”

“But we can’t.”

Jiro waves his hand and shakes his head. “Fuck that. Semantics.”

I sigh. “You’ve been so sad lately, like you regret everything.”

“Because I want to give you everything, everything you deserve because all this shit has been dumped on you. It kills me I can’t give you what you want.”

My anger dies down, and Jiro and I stand quietly while Beni and Usagi watch us.

“I’m sorry,” I say, hanging my head. “Sorry I’m making a scene.”

He sighs and takes my hand.

“You know what I adore about you?” he asks.

“No, what?” I shake my head. I love when he tells me what he thinks of me.

“You often forget about all this imperial stuff. You think you’re just a plain and ordinary girl who wants the same things other girls want. You’ve never once let this go to your head. But you keep pushing reality away, and it keeps coming back. The continued injustice of it all drives you nuts.”

I’m just an ordinary girl who has this extraordinary burden, and I want so much for it to go away most days.

“Jiro, it’s so unfair, and I don’t want to burden you too.”

“You could never be a burden.” He steps so close to me I can feel his heart racing in his chest, takes my face in his strong hands, and looks me straight in the eye. “We’ll show everyone you can have it all: the husband, the family, and the throne. Throw the rules in their faces.”

Yes. Yes, I like this. Very much.

Rules? I hate rules. Rules are for people who toe the line. Certainly not for me.

“No one tells me what I can or cannot do,” I respond with a smile, and he leans forward and kisses me. It’s not one of those small kisses we sometimes exchange in public. This is one of our deep, slow kisses, the kind of kiss that reaches down to my toes and pulls my soul up into his. Jiro and I are in love. I love him, and he loves me. We make a great team.

I want to make this kiss last a lifetime, enjoy our moment of romance, but he pulls away, groaning lightly.

“That’s my girl,” he says, his forehead pressed against mine. “I know you’re worried about the family, but Sakai clan will go on forever whether I marry legally or not. I have no regrets, so stop all of this nonsense.”

I take a deep breath and blow it out. Blow out my anxiety and anger. “Okay.”

Someone clears his throat, and when Jiro and I part, Sakai is standing next to Usagi, his arms crossed, and his face passive.

“Jiro, Sanaa, you’re missed at the table. We have food to eat, saké to drink, and cake to take home.”

We rejoin everyone at the table, eat dinner together, drink more saké, and the cake comes out. Oyama gives me a big slice, and I eat the whole thing minus what Jiro steals off my plate. He’s always stealing my food, and it never ceases to make me laugh. This must be a younger sibling trait. Growing up an only child I didn’t have to share my food. I wonder what it’s like to have lots of siblings, more than two kids. I’d love to have three or four kids.

I feel better already. Yes, I can handle this. It’s going to be hard, but nothing good ever comes easy.

After another hour of talking and laughing, the festivities wind down. Miko wanted a dinner and dessert. No dancing. She has definite opinions on what’s fun at a wedding.

Back on our floor in Sakai building, I send everyone on without me and climb one more flight to Kentaro’s apartment. I grabbed a slice of cake for him since he wasn’t invited. Another peace offering.

As I’m walking down the hall, I notice his door is open and a young man stands and talks quietly with Kentaro inside. I walk a little slower because I may be interrupting something when the young man leans forward and kisses Kentaro.

I freeze, my eyes widening. I was right! When I said for Kentaro to find a girlfriend or a boyfriend, I was acting on instinct. Jiro said he likes blonde girls, but I got the feeling Kentaro likes boys. Maybe he likes both — I don’t really care — but something about this situation makes me happy.

The young man turns and walks away from Kentaro. He’s handsome, tall, pale, curly brown hair, and blue eyes. I smile at him and nod as he walks past, watching him descend the stairs.

When I turn around, Kentaro is frozen in fear at the door, but I smile and walk to him.

“I brought you cake from the wedding. I thought you might like some.” He stares at me hard for a minute before reaching out to take the box I’m offering him. “So, I’m curious. Why did you come watch me and Jiro fight the other day?”

He looks from the end of the hall to me and back. “I’ve never seen Jiro so devoted to anything in my life. I had to know why.” He shrugs his shoulders and stares at the cakebox before leaning inside and gently setting the box on a table inside the door.

“Um, about that…” Kentaro jerks his thumb at the stairs.

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I said to get yourself a girlfriend or a boyfriend, and I meant it.”

“I thought you were just kidding.”

“Well, I was joking around, but I don’t care who you date. Whatever makes you happy.”

“Really? I thought…”

“I wouldn’t approve? Please. I was raised by my lesbian aunts.” He raises his eyebrows. “You didn’t know this? My parents died a long time ago, and my aunts raised me. They’re very happy. Been married over twenty years now. So if you want to date girls and guys, I don’t care.”

“Huh.” His perplexed look tells me a lot.

“Let me guess, your father wouldn’t approve?” I ask.

“Definitely not. He wants me to get married and have children. It’s why I never invited Kevin over when anyone was around. You were all at the wedding so…”

“Yeah, this all sounds familiar. I’m not going to tell you how to deal with your father on this issue, but as long as you live here with me, you can date whomever you want, whenever you want. I know things are old-fashioned amongst the clans, but I have never once cared who others loved as long as they are loved in return. Are you and Kevin… exclusive?”

He nods. “Mostly. We have an on-again, off-again thing. Since I broke things off… with Jiro’s ex.” He sighs, rubbing his hand through his short spiky hair before shoving his hands in his pockets.

“I think you and Jiro should patch things up,” I suggest.

“Jiro’s still really angry —”

“Honestly,” I say, placing my hand on his chest. “I don’t think he is. I’ll take care of it. Next time we go out, you should invite Kevin along.” I punch Kentaro lightly on the shoulder. “He’s handsome. Nice, blue eyes.”

He lets out a laugh and wags his finger at me. “Back off. He’s mine.”

I throw my hands up. “I’m already spoken for. Good night!”

I can’t wait to get downstairs and tell Jiro.