Released – Chapter 14

Beni booked me a salon appointment in a posh and modern place only a few blocks from our building, and we’re enjoying a girls’ afternoon together. She seems a little happier after our trip to the temple, almost relieved. Maybe Beni feels like she’s properly said goodbye to her parents and can start the process of moving on. I was so young when I lost my parents, I don’t even remember what I did. It’s probably fortunate I don’t.

Everyone else is busy today. Jiro, Yoichi, and the guys are all going to Maeda’s casino in Ku 6 this afternoon and evening. I told him to be on the lookout for anything that could help us, but that he should also have fun. I hope his presence there will bring me some much needed luck with Maeda.

Jiro and I trained this morning, and in a weird turn of events, Kentaro sat in the dōjō and watched us the entire time. At first I was annoyed, but he didn’t interrupt or make comments of any kind. He just sat and studied us. I’m not sure what he was expecting, but he might be wondering about my relationship with Jiro. Kentaro did steal his last girlfriend.

“What do you want to do with your hair, Sanaa?” Beni asks standing behind me with her hair freshly done.

Beni’s stylist, Haruna, is next to her. “You really did this to yourself?” Haruna crosses her arms and tilts her head to look at the hair pinned over my ear.

I laugh, especially when Beni smacks her on the arm. “Yes. You should have seen my hair before this happened.”

Haruna takes out the pins and brushes the last couple of long pieces out with her fingers. “Your hair was obviously long before this happened. Do you want to grow it out again?”

“I do. I’ll be on my way to Yūsei soon, and I hear your hair still grows while you sleep. So maybe we should make it really short?”

“So it grows out even, yeah. How about a little longer on top with some bangs, and we put red streaks in it?”

“Okay. Beni, will you let Usagi know we’re going to be a while, and could you get him something to drink? I feel bad for making him wait so long.”

Haruna doesn’t take long to cut my hair since I didn’t have much to begin with. Still the amount of hair hitting the floor is alarming. I have to tell myself several times my hair will grow back. It’ll grow back. “It’ll grow back” is my mantra for today. I did this all to save my life. I need to be thankful for my hair and for my quick thinking. Without either of them, I wouldn’t be alive.

When she’s done, my hair is the shortest it’s ever been, about three centimeters long everywhere, except for on top where the length is a little longer, and there’s a hefty chunk of red. She takes out a razor, thins out the hair that falls down on my forehead, and slips a tub of hair goop into my bag.

When we get back, I send Usagi away with strict instructions to go meet Jiro and Yoichi and everyone else wherever it is they are all going tonight. Beni comes home with me, we eat together, and I open up and tell Beni everything about my life.

“I always hoped Jiro would find someone compatible to be with. He had hard luck with girls before you.”

Beni has Jiro gossip! Why did I never think to ask Beni about this?

“He said he proposed to a non-Japanese girl, a blonde, last year.”

“Almost two years ago,” Beni says with a nod. “Her name was Melanie. She cheated on Jiro with Kentaro, and it ripped them both apart. They were angry with each other for ages. Before Melanie, Jiro and Kentaro were practically inseparable. It was hard to see a girl come between them.”

“Oh.” I take a sip of water and frown.

“Jiro has always had a hard time with women. He can be very intimidating even when he doesn’t mean to be.”

“This is true, but I love him for it.” I look away from Beni and smile to cover up a blush.

“Koichi and Mariko always talked about how Jiro would need to marry someone who could take care of the whole family someday like Mariko does…”

Beni falters and stops, and my heart flutters and dies in my chest. I’m going to have to take care of a whole country. How am I going to take care of my family, too? Oh no. This is another thing I completely forgot about, what it means to be the matriarch of this family.

I start to wring my hands in my lap, but it’s not enough to keep the anxiety away. I can’t do this job, and I’m not even sure if Mariko likes me. Her cold and distant demeanor lately fills my head, and for the first time in weeks, I need to get up and pace. Rising from my chair, I walk the room back and forth while Beni’s face progresses from sad to slightly horrified.

“I’m so sorry, Sanaa. I didn’t mean to imply you shouldn’t be with Jiro because you can’t marry.”

But her implication is true. Who will run Sakai clan when Mariko and Sakai himself are ready to hand the family over to Jiro? Who will he call on? Could I take care of the family, too? Miko will be a part of the family, but I’m not sure she realizes the extent of what Sakai clan does. At least not yet. Maybe this is why Yoichi was never groomed to lead Sakai clan because he wants nothing to do with the business. He’s probably happy with the financials and a wife who runs an izakaya, and they will have their little family, and that will be it.

“Beni, Beni, Beni. This is no good. I can’t marry Jiro though I want to. I can’t run the family. I have to do so much more, and Jiro will need someone he trusts which should be me but can’t be me.”

This is the exact situation that killed the relationship between Sakai and my mother. I know it. Except my mother was more committed to the imperial business than I could ever be. I’d rather be married and have the family, live in relative anonymity.

I can’t stop my feet. My body wants to run, disconnect from my brain that just cannot stop thinking.

“Sanaa, you must calm yourself. There will always be Mariko. She would run the family if you asked her to until the day she died. This family means everything to her.”

If this family means everything to her, why haven’t I been welcomed with open arms? It’s been weeks since I’ve been back, and I’ve barely seen her. No calls, no visits, and no invitations to eat or meet other members of the family, even though I’ve tried contacting her several times.

“Beni…” I stop my pacing and run to her, grabbing her hands. “I don’t think Mariko likes me. At all. I can’t ask this of her. She’ll think I’m shirking my responsibilities.”

“That’s nonsense. Mariko loves you.”

I look deep into Beni’s eyes and find nothing but honesty. Am I imagining things? I’m going crazy with doubts.

“Honestly. She adores you,” Beni insists.

“Maybe you’re right.” I let go of her hands and turn away. Even if she’s wrong, I can’t talk to Beni about this. She and Mariko are too close. “I would much rather take care of my whole family and all of Sakai clan than a whole new nation that will threaten to go to war as soon as we land. There are days when I don’t want to be an empress. I really don’t. In fact, there are days when I completely forget it’s what I am.” I throw myself onto the couch and bury my face in my hands.

“I think you’ll find it’s not going to be as bad as you think it’ll be,” Beni says. “The emperor was a figurehead. There were only a few times in Japanese history when he actually ruled the country. You will just have to work with Lucy and Sakai to coordinate things and sit politely at big events and have lots of children with Jiro. It’s very apparent the two of you are capable of such a thing.” She smiles wryly when our eyes meet.

“You can’t…?”

“I’m sorry. You and Jiro are very loud. I’m sure people three blocks away can hear you.”

My neck heats with a blush, and I put on my passive face, thinking about dunes and deep, blue sky. This explains why some nights Jiro puts his hand over my mouth. It’s a wonder no one has said anything before now, and Kentaro banging on the floor doesn’t count. The blush stays down but the fact that Beni is still smiling at me makes me laugh.

The door across the hall to Miko and Yoichi’s place opens and closes, and the sound cools me off. Miko must be home from having dinner with her parents, and in a few minutes, she’ll come across to drink with us until the boys come home. Originally, I told Miko to go out tonight, to take Helena and have a good time with our old schoolmates and the girls who work in the businesses around Izakaya Tanaka. As I’ve already found out, I can’t leave the building without an escort so I’m stuck here this evening again.

But Miko refused to do anything without me and insisted she’s tired of going out. So she’s coming over after she gets changed, and Helena will be here after her shift. It’ll be nice to see them before life gets hectic tomorrow.

“Don’t worry. Nothing makes me happier than seeing you and Jiro happy.” She picks up our dishes and loads them into the auto-washer. “And as for the family business, just go to Mariko and ask her to continue as the head. I’m sure she’ll be pleased to hear how much you care.”

I will. I’ll do this next week. I have to make good on this issue because I have twinges of guilt each day about my relationship with Jiro and his family, and this will be how I can win Mariko over.

The door chimes, and Miko’s name pops up on the read-out. I open the door, and she walks straight in past me.

“Thank the gods dinner with my parents is over because if I hear one more time how disappointed they are that I can’t have children before we leave, I’m going to kill them. Hi Beni. Are you staying? I brought saké.”

Miko changed into matching pink pajamas before coming over. It’s a grown-up pajama party kind of night.

“I’ll stay for a little bit, but I’m planning on being up early tomorrow to help Risa before the rehearsal dinner at the izakaya.”

Miko and Beni hug. “Thank you, Beni. You’ve been a big help.” She plunks the bottle on the kitchen table and sets her tablet next to mine before turning around and looking at me again. “Good gods, Sanaa, I walked straight past you and didn’t even see your hair. I love it! The red is hot.”

“Hot is good,” I say, relieved. I was wondering what everyone would think. “Thanks. I hoped you’d like it.”

“It’s lovely.”

The door chimes again, and this time it’s Helena. “I brought saké.” She holds up a bottle as she comes barreling into the apartment. “Sanaa, your hair! I love it short. You have the perfect face for this style. I wish I could pull off short hair like that.”

Maybe I should keep my hair short. I’ve never received so many compliments on my hair in one day. Beni pulls cups for each of us out of the cabinet, and, just as we’re about to sit down, the door chimes again. Who could this be?

Oyama fills my doorway.

“Sanaa, I brought some cake for you and your guests.” He hands me a pastry box with Café les pivoines stamped on the top and bows. “Have a nice night,” he says with a smile and turns to head back to his apartment.

Once the door is closed, I peek inside the box and a lovely, ornate chocolate cake sits in pastry paper. Oyama is too good to me.

“Cake from Oyama.” I place the box on the table.

Both Helena and Miko let out “Ooohs” and open the box.

I smile as my friends talk amongst themselves.

Today, I feel very lucky again.