Released – Chapter 1

Mark Sakai, you are a dead man.

I’m still so angry despite living in this house for over a month now. With no one else to calm me down, no one to talk to, and no place to go, all I can do is sit and stew or pace and let my anger bubble over. Yesterday, I spent so much time screaming at the view out the window, my voice was hoarse after. I let the desert, the dunes, and the blue sky have it, gave the outside world all of my anger and frustration. My voice is gone today. It doesn’t get much use otherwise. I haven’t seen anyone in weeks.

After the fight at the theater, after I cut Tadao Matsuda’s head off and passed out, I was unconscious until I awoke in the hospital. Sakai was there to tell me everything that happened — everything I want to forget but can’t. I tried to get away but couldn’t rip the IVs out of my arms fast enough. Then I ended up here. When I checked the tablet after reading Sakai’s message, it had been almost two weeks since the fight at the theater. It’s late April. How much longer will I be here?

Pace, back and forth. I’ve worn a path on the floor boards between the couch in the living room, the door to the kitchen, and the locked door that I suppose leads outside. I’m not sure because the door won’t open no matter how many times I kick it or throw the chair at it. That chair is permanently mangled, but pummeling it against the door was the best exercise I’ve had in weeks.

When I’m sitting on the floor, which is often, I can see my footprints all over the section on which I pace. The floor was buffed and shiny when I first arrived, but now that area is dull and lifeless.

Koichi is dead. Jiro’s father is dead, killed during a fight in which people were coming to kill me. Me! I still can’t wrap my head around it.

The four days I spent with Jiro in our apartment right after I found out I’m a direct descendent of the emperor of Old Japan were amazing and confusing. My whole life transformed, and I kept trying to deal with the change, be okay with it. I went from being an engineer, to watching all the clan leaders in Nishikyō, to having to lead them all in the space of a few months. I fell in love, which is something I never thought would happen again. I miss Jiro, my aunts, Miko, and Helena. I even miss Sakai, though I want to beat the crap out of him.

I miss Mariko, Jiro’s mother, too, and I wonder how she’s doing with Koichi gone. I can close my eyes and remember the way they walked away from the okiya together after our big dinner, her head on his shoulder, his arm around her waist, still so in love after so much time. Will she hate me now?

Yes. I did this. It’s my fault.

My feet aren’t moving anymore. I’ve come to a standstill in the middle of the living room, tears from my face running down my nose and off my cheeks straight to the floor. My gaze falls on my body, and I cringe. I’ve neglected myself since I’ve been here. The bruising on my back is almost gone, my arms finally clear of the IV marks, but I’ve been bad about feeding myself. I’m only eating once or twice per day, sleeping twelve to fourteen hours otherwise, and when I’m awake I do nothing but pace. I’ve lost my appetite, and I don’t know when it’ll come back.

Pace and think. Contemplate my mistakes. What if I had stayed with Jiro instead of running for the door? What if we both had stayed in the theatre box instead of climbing out? Would we have been able to defend Koichi? Would we be alive or dead? Would Tadao Matsuda still be alive? That’s the only thing I don’t regret. He deserved to die. This is his fault, too. He sold me to Tomio Miura, head of Taira clan. My life was worth something to him. In the end, his life was worth something to me.

Once the tears start, I can’t stop them. I’ve avoided crying since I’ve been here and focused on being angry, furious, and destructive instead. Koichi is dead. Jiro chose to go with me at the theater. He chose to climb out of that box with me instead of staying and defending his family. I want to scream at him now too.

How could you do that, Jiro? How could you choose me over your own family?

I know he loved me, but we were so new when this happened. He must hate me now.

And I can’t even ask him. I can’t see Jiro’s face and know he still loves me or regrets ever having met me because Sakai has sent me away.

I sit down at the table and stare out the window. The blue sky used to terrify me, but now the fear is merely a tickle in the back of my brain. We’ll see how I feel standing underneath the sky with nothing to shield me from being sucked away into space.

What’s going on at home? What is Sakai going to do with Taira clan? What can he accomplish over this month he was never able to do in the past? Maybe all of those dead bodies I was dragged past are finally the catalyst he needed to get them into prison. How is he going to subdue them? How is he going to keep them away from me long enough for us to get to Yūsei? Maybe he put me here to get rid of me. Would he do something like that?

What’s Jiro doing? Do I even want to know? Forget about Jiro. How are my aunts? I never saw their new apartment so I imagine what it looks like. I think about Helena living in Ku 6 now. Has she seen any more of Usagi? Miko must be planning her wedding. I probably missed Koichi’s funeral, which makes me think of Mariko, of Jiro, of Beni, and I wince. I’ll most likely be left here because my very presence destroyed all of their lives.

I think I need to stay away from everyone. I have to distance myself, protect them all by staying out of their lives as much as possible.

Yes. I can do that. I’ll be strong, and I’ll do that. I had two relationships before Jiro without being loved in return. It’ll be hard to go back to a loveless life, but I’d rather not have anyone hurt or killed because of me.

I go back to bed without eating or showering like I normally do.

Sleep. Sleep will make it all go faster.