Chaos in Kadoma Ward – Chapter 7

Lying in bed in my new room, I wait for three in the morning to click over on the bedside clock. I have no idea how to use the thing. The clock is built into the actual table, and I would probably have to control it with my tablet and the chip in my right wrist.

I rub the spot where the chip was implanted while I replay dinner and bedtime in my head. Rin cooked something passable for dinner from the freezer that reminded me of stir-fry vegetables and meat, and though it seemed real, I knew the meat was fake or straight from a lab. He served it over rice, and we shared some saké. All in silence.

I was out of conversation. Instead, I spent the entire meal retracing our steps from the day, through his neighborhood and the next, another ten blocks then a right at Kotashi’s restaurant, past the android repair shop, to the subway station, and back out to the train station. If I could make it there, I could sneak aboard a train to the farmlands and walk on foot until I found someplace to hide.

I run through the path again in my head, stopping only for a moment to remember how he’d given me my own towel, my own toothbrush, helped me make my bed, and then said goodnight before heading to his room. No talk of plans for the next day, no rehashing what I had already gone through. Just a chance at normalcy.

I admire that.

But I can’t count on him. I barely know him, and as much as I want to trust him, like Kazuo told me to, I can’t. I saw that moment when he hesitated, when he was thinking about how easy it would be to get rid of me. My stomach turns over, replaying his hesitation in my head.

Sure, back on Kurai, he swore that he would make this work. We spent plenty of evenings together talking about what his life was like here and what I could expect from the society I was being planted into. And I spoke of home every day while he listened, asked questions, and laughed at all my stories. I believe he wanted the best for both of us, but I don’t think he counted on this arrangement being so hard from the get-go.

I get out of bed and change my clothes. Atsumi left behind a dozen pairs of black pants, and even though they fit fine around my waist, they’re all about six centimeters too long. I remember her being taller than me and the added height probably also accounts for her heels. I bend over and roll them up twice. I slip an extra pair of underwear into my pocket and layer a shirt under a sweater. I have no idea how warm or cold it is outside at night, so wearing layers is my best bet. There are no hats or scarves to hide my head, so a ponytail will have to do. I grab a pair of boots from the closet and hope they fit.

Slipping quietly from the bedroom, I roll my feet, heel toe, heel toe, across the carpet to the kitchen. The apartment is deathly quiet, like being in a cabin in the woods with no one around for kilometers. I set the boots next to the table and slide out each drawer in the kitchen. Where are the knives? I don’t want to use my own for this task. I want to cut and run, let Rin clean up the mess. Besides, he’s wealthy enough to have the finely crafted sharp knives.

“Yes,” I whisper, finding a long vegetable knife in the drawer next to the stove. I hope it’s clean.

Okay. I can do this. I grab a kitchen towel and lay it on the counter, placing my right hand on it, palm up. I should turn on the light, but I’m afraid to. I have no idea how to use the lights without using my voice like Rin does. Probing around my right wrist, I feel for the spot again where the microchip is, pick up the knife, and rest the tip of it right where I need to make the incision.

“Deep breath,” I tell myself, but my lungs won’t work. My hand shakes as I try to push the tip into my skin, but I can’t do it. The skin at the tip of the knife buckles, and the knife remains unbloodied because I can’t force myself to push harder.

Push harder!

My mother’s face floats before me, chastising me as a child for crying like I was dying when I skinned my knee.

My head spins, and my breathing quickens. What was I thinking? I can’t do home surgery. I can barely stand the sight of blood.

“Come on, come on, come on. Do it.” My eyes fill with tears, mad at myself for screwing up something so simple. Just take out the microchip and go.

But I can’t.

“What are you doing?”

I jump back from the counter, bringing the knife around to face Rin in the doorway.

“Kitchen lights up, fifty percent,” he says, the lights blinding my tear-filled eyes. “Why are you skulking around in the middle of the night?” He waves to the knife in my hand.

“You.” I hold the knife out to him. “Come here and do this for me.”

His eyebrows draw together as he takes the knife from me, and I set my right hand back on the kitchen towel and point to the spot where the microchip sits under my skin.

“Take the chip out,” I plead, my voice cracking. “I can’t do it myself.” He pauses, his eyes widening. “Do it. Please.”

“No.”

Desperation squeezes more tears from my eyes. I reach for his hand holding the knife, grab his wrist and jerk him towards me.

“I have to go, and you need to do this for me. Just slice it out and help me bandage up.”

“No. Yumi, you can’t,” he commands, but my heart races and I imagine myself in jail, these people holding me down and killing me. I can’t do anything he commands.

I rip the knife from his hand and hold the tip to my wrist, crying out as I try to push the blade in. I nick the skin and draw blood, but the sight of it makes me nauseous.

A sob bursts out as I drop the knife. I’m so weak, I collapse to my knees and hold my bleeding wrist in my lap.

“I can’t even save myself,” I whisper, watching the blood trickle from my skin. I want to live. I have so many questions to ask, so much to learn. I want to see my mom and dad again, my home.

Rin drops down next to me, a towel in his hand. He wraps it around my wrist. “Here. Put some pressure on it. It’s not deep.” His hand encircles my wrist until mine takes over.

“I’m going to die, aren’t I?”

Rin comes to his knees in front of me and grasps my shoulders. I keep my head down, hiding the meek tears. I don’t let people see me like this. I’d rather dig a hole and crawl into it.

“You’re not going to die. Didn’t you hear me the other day? You’re my freedom, Yumi. Freedom from Atsumi. Freedom from conforming.” He lightly shakes me, and I sniff up before lifting my head. “Freedom from myself.”

“I saw you today, with Atsumi. You hesitated.” I want to rage at him, but instead, I’m disappointed and sad. He pulls back in shock, his soulful eyes gaining five more depths of regret. “I need to go, to save myself. You don’t need me.”

“I do,” he says, releasing my shoulders and bringing his hands to my face. The contact freezes me in place. No one has ever looked at me like this, like I matter. “I do need you.” He brushes his thumb across my cheek, wiping away the tears. I hold my breath. “This is our fate — working together. I’m certain of it. Nothing has felt more right than the moment I took you from Aoi Uma.”

Rushing water fills my ears and my lungs expand to take in air as I imagine those hands pushing me under the water. “No,” I whisper, pulling back from him. “You tried to kill me. How – How can I ever trust you?” A sob bubbles up. I thought I did trust him, but I’ve been burying the truth way down in my subconscious.

He sinks back on his heels, his hands dropping. I stupidly want those hands back on my cheeks. His attention feels safe and reliable, unlike anything else going on right now.

“I know it’s hard to trust me. You have every reason not to. I hesitated today because I couldn’t believe the steps Aoi Uma is willing to go through to end you. I don’t get it. But now I’ll have to step up, call in the big guns.” He peels back the towel on my wrist and nods.

“You have big guns?” I’m reminded of Akikazé pulling that rocket launcher from his ship and trying to shoot us down.

“Indeed I do which means you can’t run away in the middle of the night. I had a feeling you might try it, so I turned on the apartment motion sensors.”

That explains why he found me so fast.

“You should go back to bed. We have a busy day in court tomorrow.” He stands and offers a hand to pull me up.

And then it happens. He hesitates before he wraps his arms around me. What? What is this? This is the man that almost killed me, drowned me in a river, and then saved me, and now, he’s… comforting me?

I don’t get it.

But I like it.

I’m scared of him.

I know I shouldn’t be.

I wish I could forget what happened between us on Kurai. I think I need to forget it.

“Is this okay?” he whispers, resting his chin on the top of my head.

“Yeah.” We’re breaking the no-touching rule all over the place, it’s no longer a rule. I rest my forehead on his chest, reveling in the warmth, the familiarity of human-to-human contact. I’ve been apart, separate from other people but my family for so long, this is luxurious and decadent.

I shouldn’t get used to this kind of affection.

I don’t want it to end.

He pulls away first. “Let’s bandage up your cut and go back to bed. The alarm is going off in four hours, and I need my beauty sleep.”

I bark out a laugh that throws tears everywhere.

“It’s a gift to be this funny at three in the morning.” He squeezes my shoulder before putting some distance between us. “Time again for sleep.”