Chaos in Kadoma Ward – Chapter 19

Three days since the kiss, and I’m falling apart at the seams.

My body wakes again at four-thirty AM, determined to deprive me of sleep so I can avoid the awkward dynamic I’ve forced on Rin and me.

The apartment is quiet at this early hour. I lie in bed staring at the vacant ceiling, trying to either go back to sleep or wake up, when I realize my best option is to get up and go to work early again.

But I really don’t want to. I want to go back in time and make a different decision. Which one of the terrible decisions would I change, anyway?

Why did I do this to myself?

If I had just said yes… If I had just kissed him again…

Do I say something or not?

Is this what I really want to do?

What if he’s playing me?

What if he’s doing this because it’s what everyone expects?

He’s into strong women. What if he just wants to control me?

Questions tumble in my head, making my stomach churn.

Three days ago, he left K&G Noodles after our kiss to head back to work. More androids to catch, paperwork to do, meetings to attend. I kept my distance from him, my eyes averted, my intentions clear. I returned to an empty apartment like nothing had changed. Since then, I’ve avoided him in the morning, and I’ve been asleep or pretending to sleep whenever he’s come home.

Now I slip from the bed and tiptoe up to Rin’s room. He’s asleep in his bed, shirtless, his arm thrown over his head. I bite my bottom lip, letting myself have this moment to look at him and imagine kissing him again. I imagine slipping into bed with him, allowing my hands to go wherever they want.

I imagine him laughing and pushing me away.

Yes, that’s better. If I convince myself the kiss wasn’t real, everything will go back to normal.

Because this would be a bad idea. We cannot do this. Not only would it be dangerous for us both, but a relationship would change so much. I will get along fine here without falling in love with someone.

‘Stop being so hard on yourself, Yumi,’ Ayamé says in my ear. ‘You deserve to love and be loved just like anyone else.’

“Shut up,” I whisper. Great. I’m talking to my invisible and dead best friend again.

I brush my hair and teeth in the bathroom, apply a liberal amount of concealer to hide the dark circles under my eyes, change quietly, and slip out the door before I’m found out. It’s way too early for me to eat, though I pass a diner along my way to work that opens at five AM every day. I’ll have to grab something from one of the street vendors once the sun is up.

The walk to K&G Noodles is usually my favorite part of the day. I like when Shin-Osaka is quiet and peaceful. During the day, the city is noisy and chaotic, which is fun too, but the early morning hours appeal to the little girl inside of me who grew up in the woods, away from the city. In my head, I frame a shot for the camera, down a long, unbroken street that points right to the rising sun, the symbol of Old Japan. The national pride still exists here amongst the people long removed from Earth. White flags with the central red circle are positioned in windows, along boulevards, and behind checkout counters.

I try to concentrate on the world around me, but my brain replays the kiss over and over, a punch to the gut each and every time I see it.

His lips crash into mine, and in my dreams, I’m able to slip my hands into his shirt and against his skin. What happens after that? I’m not certain. I haven’t slept with someone in so long, my mind can’t scale that wall. It’s like I have no idea what men look like from the waist down or something.

Sigh.

For the next few blocks, I concentrate on the one time I caught him undressing in the bathroom, letting my eyes follow the length of his muscles, down his back, to his ass.

Yes, that’s nice.

I pause to drink in the sunrise when footsteps halt behind me. Glancing over my shoulder, someone disappears into the revolving doors of a building at my rear. Early to work?

Forcing my feet forward, my walk through the neighborhood continues. A bakery is open, people already inside choosing their breakfast from baskets with long tongs. I pass people unaware of their surroundings, their eyes unfocused and their steps mechanical. It creeps me out. Don’t they pay attention to anything?

I pay attention.

So does my body.

The hair on the back of my neck raises as I turn a corner towards the center of Kadoma Ward. Something doesn’t feel right. Not that anything has really felt right since I landed here, but my primal instincts are kicking in. I glance over my shoulder, and I glimpse people not far behind.

Oh no. Is today the day Gen grabs me and takes me to Aoi Uma? When I woke up this morning, all I could think about was Rin and the kiss and Rin and on and on. I had forgotten about everything else — the people determined to maim me, kill me.

Anger grabs me and forces me to face it. I have missions here to do, and today will not be the day I fall to my enemies.

Not. Today.

Moving my legs faster, I take a detour, dodging to the right and crossing to a block I’ve never been on before. I run to an entryway halfway down the block and hide around the corner. My pulse pounds in my ears, my breathing harsh and ragged. I’m way out of shape but getting injured and then sitting for weeks will do that to a girl. Walking every day doesn’t seem to help.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

I peek around the corner and scare a woman walking up to open the shop I’m hiding in front of.

“Oh, sorry,” I say, holding up my hands as she gasps. “I, uh, thought I saw my ex. This seemed like a good place to hide.”

I laugh as she relaxes, and the tension in my shoulders melts away. I’m being paranoid. Nothing’s wrong, Yumi.

“Sorry again.” I bow as I walk away and pick up my usual route. Hurrying along, I chastise myself for being silly. Who would be following me, anyway?

I round the corner, back on the trail to K&G Noodles, when my question is answered. Standing across my path are three large men, and at the center is a face I could never forget.

Hello again, Bidder Number Five.