I keep writing posts for the blog and deleting them. I wish I knew how to talk about my feelings openly without coming off as a whiney complainer, so I write them all out in a heartfelt post, and then delete it instead of publishing it. I've done this five times now. It's cathartic in a way, but doesn't really get me anywhere. Lol. Maybe I need to be journaling at home…
Here's what you really need to know. I'm working, but it's hard. I'm trying to get in my 2000 words every day, and most days, it's not too bad. I write and I feel good about the story. On days like yesterday where I got my seventh Bookbub rejection, writing was like pulling teeth. They must have really deliberated over my book because it took them FIVE days to reject me instead of the usual ONE, so as you can imagine, I was pretty hopeful for several days, then it all came crashing down on me.
I could not get the words out yesterday. I was tired. I was depressed. I was once again sitting and watching my friends succeed and wondering what's wrong with me and my work. My husband came home with great news about his job (he sold a huge contract to a client that he had been working on for months), and HE FELT BAD TELLING ME THAT. I love him because he was considerate about my feelings, but man, I felt like a selfish bitch right then. Not that I really complained to him about my Bookbub rejection. I just sent him one text with the update. But he must have sensed I was down about it.
I realize a lot of this has to do with December. It's the end of the year. I'm looking back on what I've accomplished this year in regards to sales and reviews, and the numbers are A LOT lower than I thought they'd be, especially having seven books and several short stories out. Even my mailing list is not doing as well as I thought it would. I tried to be positive going into 2015 and not give a f*ck about a lot of this stuff, but some days that's easier said than done. 2015 is going to wrap up to be a fine personal year, but an otherwise dismal professional one for me.
What do I do? Head down, keep writing. Now would probably be a good time to take more Vitamin D, go to the gym, and just push through this. I'm glad our winter has been mild so far, and with no snow on the ground, at least I'm not struggling to get to the gym because I have to dig my car out from a drift! Hopefully in the coming weeks, I can turn this around and find something positive to show you guys, whether it's progress on my new book or whatever. For now, it's time to just get back to work and keep on truckin'.